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29 June 02 Inertia seems to have been working in my favor this past week, yay! I have been making an effort to get some things done, and I like the sense of accomplishment that gives me. I've finished up some projects around the house, (finally) ran a bunch of errands, and started on a couple of new projects. Burning Man plans are coming together nicely, I've been applying for temp jobs (I had one interview at a temp agency and have another on Monday), and am doing some work for my friends Barry and Casey as deadline for the current issue of their magazine approaches. Throw in a nice dinner on Tuesday with Susan, her brother David, and a bunch of his friends, plus a birthday party-BBQ this afternoon and another party tonight, and I've been pleasantly busy. The only bad news was that I tweaked my knee running at the gym on Wednesday, so I've been keeping off it and haven't been able to work out as much as I would have liked. I shall return to my regularly scheduled workouts next week. 23 June 02 Inertia - a property of matter by which it remains at rest or in uniform motion in the same straight line unless acted upon by some external force Let me explain about intertia as it relates to the unemployed. When one has vast amounts of spare time to kill, one often learns to do things very slowly to take up more time, or puts off tasks and projects until later when there's "nothing else to do". The trouble with that is "later" often never comes, and the next thing you know, months have passed and you haven't accomplished a thing. This explains why, after being without employment for the past seven months, I don't have a whole lot to show for it. Of course, there is a flip side to the equation. When I do get motivated enough to head out to the gym, I really enjoy my workout - it makes me feel energized and healthy, and I get excited to do it again the next day - this is how I made it out to the gym 4 or 5 times a week for months. But if that inertia is disturbed and I fall out of the gym routine, well, this sack of matter in which I dwell will revert to a state of rest. To be fair, I have done some things during my time off. I put in over 120 hours volunteering at the zoo, I've done a lot of healthy cooking, have been getting into shape by regularly going to the gym, and began organizing and working on Burning Man projects. But as I sit staring at this screen for hours each day, I know I'm going to have to go back to work very soon, and I want to do that without the feeling that I could have done so much more. I'm going to try something this week, to see if it helps me accomplish more. I'm going to make lists of things I want to do and a schedule of when I'm going to do them. Let's see if I get anything done that way. 22 June 02 For the past several weeks I've felt like I had some sort of low-grade cold, and it seemed to be getting worse the last few days. Since I'm unemployed and have no health insurance I couldn't afford to go to my doctor, but I wanted to figure out what was wrong so I went to the Haight Ashbury Free Clinic yesterday. The good news is going there was a very pleasant experience - they were nice, efficient, speedy, and I waited less than a minute to be seen by one of the doctors. I much preferred going to the Haight-Ashbury Clinic than to the overpriced, incompetent doctor I had previously used. However, the bad news is that I apparently have allergies. I am very unhappy about this. I have never been allergic to anything before. I don't even know what I'm allergic to. I don't think it's pollen or plant-related, because that stuff isn't really in the air right now. Am I allergic to cats? I certainly hope not; in any case I'm not going to get rid of Kisa. I am also extremely displeased with the fact that the allergies and stuffy head are keeping me from going scuba diving. Blah. In more pleasant news, a group of 10 or 12 of us went to Ocean Beach last night to have a bonfire in honor of the Summer Solstice. It was cold, foggy and windy (in other words, typical San Francisco summer weather) but the fire kept us warm as we sat in the sand and chatted for a few hours. My hair and clothes are now permeated with the smell of wood smoke. 16 June 02 Things have been good for me lately, and I've been happy. Over the past few weeks I've spent a lot of time with many friends from different (but ever tightening) social circles. We've been doing everything from throwing dinner parties and playing charades to watching movies and going out for a beer, and it's been great. A few years ago if I wanted to hang out with friends we would have either gone somewhere to eat, or gone to a club. But now, going to a club to socialize is not at all desirable - you just can't spend quality time with friends in a noisy club, and often you get sidetracked and don't spend time with the people you originally intended to. Did it just take me this long to realize clubs are not a good place to talk to friends? Am I growing out of the club-going phase, or just simply realizing that it's okay to do other things instead of/in addition to that? I think it's the latter. For so many years my social life revolved around goth/industrial clubs - I was working in clubs, often two or more nights a week, virtually all of my friends were clubgoers and I'd go out to dance and socialize on nights I wasn't working. I even remember being hesitant about meeting people who didn't go clubbing, thinking I wouldn't have anything in common with them and therefore nothing to talk about. But as my halcyon clubbing days drew to a close in '99, I was going through a particular spurt of emotional growth which led me to explore far past my previous self-imposed borders, and that has led me to where I am today, trying to build and strengthen quality friendships with the people I love. What's funny is that many of my clubgoing friends have been going through a similar thing. So many of us would rather spend time with one another than stand around yet another club, so it works out perfectly :) 14 June 02 That was odd. A few minutes ago I was lying in bed , reading my book, when I heard a loud explosion somewhere very close by. I looked out the window thinking I might see smoke or flames, but there was nothing. I went onto the roof and looked around, but there was nothing. I waited for sirens, and there was nothing. An explosion in the middle of the night is strange; not hearing any sirens afterwards is really weird. 11 June 02 A Haiku For Kisa My little feline Bare foot steps in hairball, yuck I thought you loved me 9 June 02 I haven't written lately simply because I haven't had much to say. The current state of my life: I'm over the depression I was feeling last month, I'm now receiving the 13 week extension on my unemployment benefits and actively searching for work, I start working towards a new fitness goal tomorrow and Burning Man is 77 days away. There was an interesting documentary on TV this evening - they showed four vignettes each highlighting a 13-year-old girl. The girls, all very different from one another, went on to talk about their lives, interests and problems - popularity, current fashions, boys, academic achievements, depression, learning about oneself, drugs, etc. Maybe it's just because the "kids nowadays" are growing up much faster than we did not too long ago, or maybe it's because when I was their age I was quite naive and sheltered and therefore blind to most of the things that concern these girls, but it was quite amazing, seeing what these seemingly typical 13-year-old children are going through. I am of the belief that kids growing up too quickly puts too much stress on them before they've emotionally matured enough to handle it. I wonder how much different my life would be if I had become self-aware and begun soul searching at such a young age. I know it would have changed me, but would it have been for the best? 29 May 02 Not-So-Good Things in my life today: * I had to get up early, after not enough sleep * I did not go to the gym (again) Good Things in my life today: * My mom & dad met me for lunch * I got to feed and pet not one, not two, but THREE giraffes! - One giraffe daintily took a banana I was holding with my teeth I know I'm doing okay if the Goods outweigh the Not-So-Goods. 21 May 02 Since I've recently posted several times about feeling down, I just wanted to pipe up and say, "I feel great right now!" I just got back from a really good gym workout. I ran for 20 minutes (slow jog covering just over 1.5 miles) and that's the most I've ever run in my life! I never played sports growing up, never exercised regularly until about five years ago, and just started running consistently a few months ago. Wheee! You really do get that endorphin rush from running, and then you feel like you can go on forever. Next week, I'm trying for 25 minutes straight. 20 May 02 Follow up on my May 4th entry: I'm halfway through my current self-imposed fitness goal, and I'm not doing too good. During the first week I stuck to my exercise and healthy eating regime and lost 1.5 lbs., but the second week I petered out and ended up gaining back 2 lbs. That's the beauty of eating when you feel down, eh? You get depressed, eat sweets and comfort food, gain weight, that makes you more depressed, blah. But anyway, I'm continuing to push forward because I need to succeed with both my short- and long-term goals. Also, I officially started sending out resumes today in hopes of getting some work! This is a big deal because I've been out of work for six months, and it's a big mental adjustment. Ideally I will get short-term or contract work for a couple of months, and then after Burning Man, I will get a regular full-time job. I am very interested in odd jobs and under-the-table work, so if you hear of anything along those lines, please let me know! 18 May 02 So, I've been kinda depressed for the past week or two. You know the story - non-existent love life, feeling sorry for myself, yadda yadda. Because I've been feeling down, I've also been feeling antisocial and have spent most of the past couple of weeks home alone. But I have been quite busy spending a bit of time with good friends these past few days. Wednesday night Charlotte and I spent hours hanging out and talking. Thursday I had Winnie, Melissa, Jenny and Kristen over for "girl's night" and I made them a big Asian dinner - chicken-stuffed sticky rice balls, black bean & corn potstickers, pineapple rice, and chicken and veggie Panang curry. I like to cook but rarely get the chance to cook for others, so it was great to have a houseful of wonderful (and hungry!) people over. Afterwards I ended up at the DNA Lounge where I ran into many people I knew, and had a chance to meet Punk Rock Dave in person. Friday afternoon was also really nice. Simon, a couple of his friends and I went to the Skulls exhibit at the Academy of Sciences. It was amazing! Hundreds upon hundreds of skulls from tiny rodents to adult elephants on display; a number of skulls showed evidence of illness or injury, and it was incredible to see abnormalities like that. Two hours later and I still hadn't quite seen everything! I will be going back soon to see more, as well as to see the rest of the museum and the Steinhart Aquarium. Afterwards, I met up with Winnie, Will and Ross at Zeitgeist for a beer, and then finished off with a quiet night at home. Considering how social I'd been the previous few days, I was really surprised to get home last night and start feeling all depressed again. Maybe it has something to do with spending too many Friday and Saturday nights alone at home, while I percieve the rest of the world is out together having a great time, and leaving me all by myself. I'm starting to think this has something to do with me being out of work. I spend almost every day and every night alone at home, not going out, and I think it may be getting to me. The normal socialization you get by leaving the house everyday and going to work for eight hours is a good thing. If I were to start working there would be some definition to my days, and weekends would be more meaningful. And if weekends actually meant something to me, I'd probably be more motivated to go out on Fridays and Saturdays, thus allieviating some of my depression. Hrmpf. 12 May 02 It's Sunday morning and I actually feel pretty good. I've spent the past couple of days feeling very antisocial and a bit depressed. Funny enough, I didn't really feel sad, but rather, I was quite content wallowing in self-pity for a day or two. I wonder if it's "normal" to go through periodic depressions? I'm not speaking of chronic depression or anxious episodes that leave one feeling like there's no end in sight to their hopelessness, but just the occasional mopey day. I'm also wondering if not getting sad about this is an effect of being jaded? Nah, it's probably just that this current depression isn't "important" enough to elicit sadness or despair. 9 May 02 Here is something about me I bet most of my friends don't know - one of my main concerns in life, something I've been interested in since I was a child, is wildlife and environment conservation. Conservation (or lack thereof) is also a topic which has frustrated me as long as I can remember. It's difficult to open a newspaper or a National Geographic magazine without seeing evidence of how humankind is paving over this rainforest or contaminating that body of water. It makes my heart heavy and sad to know there are a few hundred members of an animal species left in Asia and the survivors are being hunted to extinction for some stupid body part thought to be an aphrodisiac. Humans in general are ignorant and arrogant. Most don't understand (or choose to ignore) the far-reaching impact "civilization" has not only across the globe, but across time. We are too caught up in our arbitrary quest for "advancement" that we are at the same time destroying our future. I am a part of the problem. I live in a city and enjoy the conveniences of the modern world. But I really do try and lessen my impact in the ways I know how. While I do eat meat, I eat only farmed animals, thus not affecting wild populations. I do not eat (most types of) fish because populations of commercially-caught fish are dwindling, and many types of fishing also adversely affect non-targeted creatures. I volunteer at the Zoo as well as pay annual membership fees; wildlife conservation is the top priority of the San Francisco Zoo. I will never have children, thus not contributing to the gross overpopulation of this planet. (I don't think there is a non-selfish reason to have children, anyway.) Sure I like my fast computer, flying in airplanes and 24-hour supermarkets, but if all that were to go away in exchange for a healthy environment, I wouldn't be too sad. Call it a romantic notion, but I kinda like the idea of reverting back to a lifestyle where extended families grow and raise their own food and do many things by hand. In the meantime, I'll just sit with my head in my hands and cry. 4 May 02 First, the good news: Back in January, I made the following goals for myself-
Next, the bad news: The month of April was rife with birthday celebrations, beer drinking, and trips out of town. In addition, it was lacking in time spent at the gym. Because of that, I haven't been eating well and exercising the way I was during the previous three months, and I can tell. My weight has stayed about the same, but my mood has certainly changed. I have discovered that by regressing into a mouse potato lifestyle I become depressed, and when I'm depressed I eat crap foods, and when I eat crap I don't feel good, thus sending me into that downward spiral. Now, the new news: Beginning tomorrow morning, I hop back onto my healthy bandwagon on my way towards attaining my new goal -
Wish me luck. I'll report my progress in here occasionally. 2 May 02 Susan and I had (another) good talk this afternoon. So that I don't forget what she said, I will write the gist of the conversation here: You can do whatever your heart desires. You just have to believe that you deserve it. Believing that you deserve something is difficult. 2 May 02 I spent a couple of hours yesterday going through my rather sizeable CD collection and selecting songs to play tonight. I think one of the things DJs should do is to introduce people to new music; there's no reason a DJ should spin the same songs time after time, especially when they're the "hit" songs that most patrons have at home anyway. So, with a couple exceptions for songs I really like, I've chosen 35 or 40 lesser-known tracks with which to entertain people. And one song with which to torture people. The sad part is I'll only be spinning a handful of songs released within the past two or so years. I just don't have much new industrial music. But, if it's any consolation, friends tell me that there really hasn't been much good music released during the past couple of years. On a completely different note, it's kinda funny to wake up, open your eyes, and see a cat standing over you, just staring and waiting for you to get up. 1 May 02 For many years I thought it would be really fun to tour with a band - driving all over the country in a tour bus, hanging out backstage, and living the rock star life. As the years passed I realized that most concerts and tours are not the constant glamorous party that MTV makes them out to be, but rather a lot of "hurry up and wait"ing. Eventually that little dream faded, but every once in awhile I get the chance to head to other cities with friends as their bands do concerts and small tours. Monday morning, my friends David and Tyler (aka Informatik) came by and picked me up. We then grabbed Simon and hurried to LA for a show that evening. We arrived in Hollywood about 5:30, and it was more hurry up and wait as we unloaded the gear, and then watched Haujobb finish their soundcheck before Informatik could do theirs. After soundcheck we hurried to get something to eat before doors opened, and then waited until it was time for the bands to take the stage. I have had a lot of friends in various bands, and I always get a little nervous whenever they release a new album or get onstage for a show. I'm nervous because I want them to put on a good performance, be well-received by the audience, and have a favorable show without technical or other problems. It was nice to see Informatik have one of those good nights; it made our drive down there worth it :) Next up was Haujobb, whom I had seen for the first time about 1.5 years ago. I stood there watching them with Tim, and we talked about how we each had *loved* their early stuff, but because of our changing tastes and moods, both seemed to not care much for their recent music. But watching Haujobb and acknowledging that our tastes have morphed yet again, we realized that yes, we still like this band and need to listen to more of their newer releases. VNV Nation headlined the night. I wasn't thrilled about having to wait through their set before being able to leave the venue, but as I stood watching the show, I started observing the concert in a very objective manner and I had the most interesting thoughts go through my mind... I stopped liking VNV about the time most people started listening to them, as both their music changed and my tastes veered away from their new style. Because of that, this was the first time I listened to VNV in two years. I realized that I still do like their old music, and that was cool. But I also realized that they really do know how to put on a great live show. Any opinions of musical quality aside, VNV Nation has great visuals and lighting, an engaging frontman, catchy songs with good production, and a captivating stage presence. All of that adds up to give concert-goers something they eat up hook, line and sinker. And if the audience loves it, isn't that what good concerts are really about? Two and a half years ago, when I stopped working as a club DJ, I left most of the goth/industrial scene behind me. For the most part, I stopped going to clubs that played that sort of music and I didn't miss them one bit. And because I was immersing myself in other musical genres, I eventually found that I wasn't really listening to industrial music anymore. But something nice happened at the show on Monday night (well, it didn't so much happen then as the point was driven home as I was realized that I still liked those older VNV songs) - my interest in industrial music was revitalized! While I am happy to not be involved in the negativity and sophomoric drama of the goth scene, that's no reason I shouldn't continue to like stompy, growly music! [And speaking of stompy, growly music, I will be DJing upstairs at the lovely DNA Lounge again tomorrow night, yay!] 25 April 02 Okay, I'm feeling much better than I was the other day. Tuesday night I got together with a bunch of friends for Jen's birthday, and that was wonderful. Wednesday night I met my parents to celebrate my Dad's birthday. And today I got a new monitor to go along with my shiny new G4, so now I actually have a decent screen resolution! (That 800x600 crap just didn't cut it.) And now I'm using said 'puter to get fun stuff ready for our upcoming Burning Man meeting! Unfortunately, this afternoon's monitor acquistion mission ran into a snag when I walked out to my car but discovered it had mysteriously disappeared, kidnapped by the EVIL MOTHERFUCKING DPT NAZI ASSHOLE FUCKTARDS. (Pardon me while I vent a bit of anger here...) Please don't let me anywhere near anyone associated with the DPT or their tow truck buddies - I don't want to spent the rest of my life in jail after I RIP THEIR INTESTINES OUT OF THEIR BODIES AND STUFF THEM DOWN THEIR THROATS UNTIL THEY PAINFULLY ASPHYXIATE! 22 April 02 I arrived home yesterday afternoon after a nice trip to Nevada all ready to write a journal entry about my adventures, but once I got home, I got into a funky mood. It was about 3:00 on a sunny Sunday afternoon and suddenly I was alone at home after having spent the past four days with good friends. While I like spending time by myself, I'm tired of always being alone. I'll write more about my trip once I get my photos developed :) 16 April 02 What a wonderful weekend! It began waytooearly Saturday morning, when Jonathan came by to pick me up and drive to Monterey. We procured caffeine and bagels with the spiciest, most delicious sundried tomato cream cheese, and headed south to the land of kelp forests. A few hours later we were at Lover's Point in Pacific Grove, geared up and ready to dive! It was the first time either of us had dove this spot, and it was pretty shallow - I don't think we went below 35 feet - but the terrain was different from most of the other Monterey Bay dives I had done, which made it interesting. We took our time swimming slowly over the rocky bottom, stopping to discover small marine creatures hiding in the crevices. Gliding through the underwater forest I turned and looked up at the towering kelp fronds and saw the sunbeams streaming down through the canopy and down to meet us; it was so incredibly beautiful that I had to get Jonathan's attention and have him look up and enjoy it. Warm, spring weather and good diving conditions paired up to give us two wonderful dives. I wasn't at all cold, I wasn't at all uncomfortable or nervous the way I have been on past dives (see 17 Feb.), but rather the opposite - I completely enjoyed it and got a renewed enthusiasm for diving! So I grabbed that enthusiasm and that evening we headed out for a third dive after nightfall. Night dives are spooky in a fun way. You are surrounded by three dimensions of blackness, wherein hide creatures of all shapes and sizes, and you can only see what is in the beam of your flashlight. But night dives are much more than a low-visibility version of daytime diving - this is where you have the chance to see so many nocturnal creatures who are normally hiding when the sun is up. As we prepared to descend we looked at the water below us and saw two unusual creatures wriggling in the flashlight beam. They were earthworm shaped, very light colored, and had what appeared to be a mouth at one end. One was about four and the other about six or seven inches long, and they both followed the light beam as I moved it. Later in the dive we came across a small red octopus who was about a foot in diameter (with tentacles spread), and Jonathan spotted a huge halibut buried in the sand! We saw one other unidentified critter right before ascending - a eight-ten inch long white tube-like creature, undulating in the water column. Bizarre! Sunday was spent at the incredible Monterey Bay Aquarium, where we were able to see everything we had missed the previous day :) I got to explore a new wing of the aquarium which I hadn't realized existed - the Outer Bay exhibit with a Mola Mola (ocean sunfish), an oceanic whitetip shark, and my personal favourite, Sphyrna Lewini, the scalloped hammerhead shark. It was like being a kid in a candy store! Sharks, fish, more sharks, more weird critters, yay! As if the previous days' diving wasn't enough, spending a day at the aquarium makes you so happy that you are privileged enough to actually see some of the ocean world up close and personal! 7 April 02 I'm now one year further away from birth. Last Friday was my birthday (which makes me as old as Jan!) and I had a weekend of very nice, very fun celebrations. It all started Thursday night, when I went out for dinner and drinks with Will. Friday afternoon, after shaking off the previous night's hangover, I treated myself to a hot fudge sundae for lunch, and that evening Jen arranged dinner for me at a Thai restaurant with herself, David, Stefanie, John, Eva, Jonathan, Jan, Greg, Simon, Susan and Adam. Once we were through eating, we wandered down Market Street to Lucky 13 where I discovered they serve a Dunkel Hefeweiss Bier! That in itself makes Lucky 13 a better bar than Zeitgeist ;) Apparently just because this was my birthday weekend didn't mean I could luxuriate by sleeping late. By early Saturday afternoon I was down at a SOMA warehouse, helping a group a friends decorate and set up for a party that night. We worked for several hours hanging decorations and generally turning the blank space into a comfortable space, then it was home for a quick nap, dinner and shower before returning to the warehouse for Woom that evening. Woom was a success! There were about 100 people in attendance, and everyone there was a friend, or a friend-of-a-friend. I had the chance to spent time with so many people whom I like, have some good conversations, and generally just strengthened some friendships. I spun my first-ever downtempo set last night, and I must say spinning music is so easy when you don't have to keep up a 140bpm energy frenzy! In typical DJ Lucretia fashion, however, I did throw in Mr. Bungle, Haujobb, and even bits of a Rush song to entertain and/or confuse people. As I was lying around on the piles of fluff, I had some interesting insights into my behaviour. I was mostly sober during the night and was paying attention to how I was acting. I would like to think of myself as someone who is comfortable with displaying physical (platonic) affection with my friends - hugs, snuggling up when watching a movie - that sort of thing. But at some point during the night I realized that I wasn't completely comfortable in being affectionate, and I tried to figure out why. The reason is that I do not want my sober and unsober behaviour to be drastically different. I think it is wrong when substances will allow or cause you to do something that you wouldn't normally do on your own. I've caught myself in this situation before, where the next day I think, "Eww, I kissed so-and-so last night", and that is unacceptable. So now I put more thoughts into my actions, and even back off a bit in some circumstances until I feel it is safe. Also, I know other people may not realize or even care that their behaviour changes and I seem to unconciously overcompensate for that. In situations where I am with someone with whom I don't feel completely relaxed, or if I think that maybe they might be attracted to me but I am not attracted to them, I have found myself compensating and overcompensating for behaviours that might never occur by simply not expressing friendship via hugging or cuddling. Now that I have figured out what I am doing and why, I want to try and temper it a bit - I would like to be able to be more comfortable with physical expressions of friendship without reading, or having others read, anything into that. 4 April 02 There's this guy I like. I like him a lot. He's smart, nice, funny, cute - all those good things and more - and he likes me too. But he's seeing someone else. *sigh* You can't just not like someone simply because circumstances seem to have conspired against you. But emotions are complicated. *sigh* 1 April 02 Wow, I had a fun weekend! I got together Saturday night with Will and a bunch of his friends and went to a party at the Xenodrome warehouse where we hung out, danced and talked till the sky grew light. At that point we all walked a couple of blocks back to Lucy's place where we crashed for a few hours before awaking to a wonderful brunch she made for everyone - popovers right out of the oven, bacon, fruit salad, eggs, and the ultimate necessity, coffee. A couple of groggy hours later the group of us headed to Dolores Park and spent the afternoon sitting in the sun and drinking beer whilst being entertained by the annual Easter festivities of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. I even saw Jen and Cy there, which was a nice surprise. I think San Francisco is great. Where else can you sit in a park full of drag queen "nuns" while surrounded by hundreds of assorted freaks with a rainbow palette of haircolors? | |||
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