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30 December 02 I had hair down to the middle of my back for about a dozen years, and it was fuchsia for the last eight of those years. Then about a year ago, I decided I was ready for a big change. I changed the color to a normal-looking copper, and went to see the amazing Jeremiah for a really cute shoulder-length cut. Well, lately I've been thinking I again needed something different, so on Saturday I went to see Jeremiah again for cut and highlights. I now have the shortest hair I've ever had in my life (save for that awful cut in third grade), and I love it! I just need to learn to style it ;) Before and after pictures. 29 December 02 Brrr. These last several days, it seems like I've been cold more often than not. It's cold at work (why do we need air conditioning when it's 50 degrees outside?), it was cold in the theatre I was in today, and my apartment is insufficiently heated. I'm currently wearing jeans, socks & slippers, a longsleeved cotton shirt topped by a wool sweater and light jacket, a scarf, and I'm still not warm. I just watched a National Geographic show on polar bears and that made me even feel even colder. I kept thinking that I'm not sure I'll thaw out enough to go skiing or diving this winter. (Ironically, the best California diving is in winter, when the ocean "turns over" and thermal upwellings raise the water temperature a couple of degrees, and the decreased sunlight means less plankton to cloud the water.) I love my electric blanket. 26 December 02 I used to dislike Christmas. I'm not Christian and I don't like the consumerist attitude that American retailers have foisted upon the holiday, and I used those as an excuse for not liking Christmas. But last winter I decided (realized?) that Christmas was what I made of it, so I could therefore turn it into what I wanted it to be for me - a time to spend with my friends and family. I enjoy the fact that the holidays are an excuse to see friends, although last year I got a bit depressed about Xmas time - some friends were out of town, others were busy with their own families, not many people were on chat, and I was getting lonely by myself. This year was much different. I was happy and I think that's simply because I spent the time with someone I really care about. Frederick spent Xmas eve here with Kisa and I, and we had a yummy turkey dinner. Now there are tons of leftovers, which was the whole point of buying a 20 pound bird for two people! We watched some stuff on video and, crazy people that we are, played Scrabble until 1 or 2 in the morning. Xmas day was a lazy one and we didn't get up until after Noon. That evening I headed down to my parents' house to visit with them and my favourite cousin, Paul, who had just flown in from Ottawa. We had a nice time, chatting and joking and catching up. Then it was back to work again today, blah. At least things are slow enough there to give me a chance to get caught up. And speaking of catching up, I think I'm going to head off to bed to get some sleep. 16 December 02 Yay, I went to the gym again. (I figure I'd *better* go, with all the holiday sweets I've been eating.) Today my cardio included a slow jog for 20 mins covering 1.5 miles - not bad considering it's only the third time I've been running since I started going back to the gym. Maybe it's muscle memory, but it was very easy to work back up to running that long considering that before this year, I was never able to run more than a few minutes at a time. It took weeks to work up to that time before. This past weekend went by really fast. Friday night I met Susan for a couple hours of girl talk and watching a tv special on mako sharks. Then we met Frederick, Ash, and David (Susan's brother) for a late dinner and drinks, after which we went back to S & A's place so the boys could savour some single-malt scotch. We woke up Saturday to an incredible storm. Rain was pouring down from the sky and was occasionally blown horizontally by the winds, which must have reached 50-60 mph at times. I made a brief foray out that afternoon to take Kisa to the vet for her checkup and saw at least three trees uprooted by the winds, plus scores of branches scattered about. Frederick and I spent the rest of the night being cozy at home - he made a yummy cheese fondue for dinner, and we drank a bottle of wine, worked on the jigsaw puzzle, and finished watching Amélie - it was a really nice night. Sunday night I came home and the storm returned with a vengeance. My building swayed to and fro in the gusts and it felt like an earthquake. I ended up having to fall asleep with earplugs in to try and muffle the noise of the rain pounding against my window. I actually wouldn't mind the rain so much if I just didn't have to ride my motorcycle around in it. 10 December 02 Mmm, I'm in a good mood right now. I went to the gym again yesterday and today (and I jogged for 12 minutes straight today, woo!), then came home and took a nice shower, and had a yummy dinner. Now I'm full and happy and watching the Invader Zim xmas special. For the past couple of weeks I've really been budgeting my money. I've been cooking more and bringing my lunch to work, and I'm already seeing financial improvement. I think the more I act poor, the easier it will become. I'm feeling a little guilty about Kisa, though. I don't spend nearly enough time at home as I used to, and I can tell she misses me. Last night she not only slept with me all night long, she burrowed under the covers to sleep snuggled up against me as well. She's really a wonderful little cat :) 5 December 02 I went to the gym today for the first time in months, woo-hoo! It was just a little 30-minute treadmill workout - some walking, various hills, and some running - but it felt great to actually do some exercise. It's amazing how going to the gym, even once, puts you in the mood to continue working out and eating better. I did a great job at the beginning of the year, getting in shape and losing weight. Then I went and got a job and found the weight again. I know a fair amount about fitness and nutrition, so it's my own damn fault if I choose not to do anything about it. On that note, I want to try and exercise three times a week. I'll bring my gym clothes to work again, like I did today, so I don't have any more excuses. 4 December 02 Three short lines of verse Haiku, Senryu, all the same Chat buffer is full 26 November 02 I woke up today to the most beautiful, sunny morning. The way the light fell, it looked like the beginning of a warm summer day without a cloud in the sky, although stepping out into the autumn chill broke that spell. UCSF is situated on the North slope of Mount Sutro, at the Southeast corner of Golden Gate Park, pretty much smack-dab in the center of San Francisco. So at work this afternoon, I went up to the 8th floor of one of our buildings to enjoy the crystal-clear view. From there I could see West down Irving Street past Ocean Beach and all the way to the Farallon Islands on the horizon, 30-odd miles away. Turning slowly to my right, there was the greenery of Golden Gate Park spanning half the width of The City, the brick-red towers of the Golden Gate Bridge poking through the foliage of the Presidio, the Marin Headlands and past to Point Reyes. On the opposite side of Marin Country lay Tiburon, with the Richmond Bridge in the distance, albeit partially blocked by Angel Island. In the East, far to my right, the skyscrapers of downtown stretched their cement heads high above the Cole Valley Victorians in the foreground, while the background was filled with Oakland, Berkeley, and the hills beyond. I must have stared out the window for ten minutes, trying to take it all in. The San Francisco Bay Area is one of the most gorgeous places in the world. 25 November 02 Argh, money. I've been going over finances, and it's not pretty. I'm barely making ends meet and things are only going to get worse. In the last year, I've gone from being able to pay all of my bills, put some cash into savings, and still have enough money left over to do fun stuff, to wondering if I can afford to buy Christmas presents. When I got laid off I did lessen my spending a bit, but after eight months of unemployment and a new G4 (hey, I had to replace my two decent computers which died days apart from one another) my savings account was left as dessicated as a fish stranded in the Sahara. Even now that I have a somewhat steady income, it's less than half of what it used to be and I need to relearn silly things like "budgeting", "being frugal", and "buying only necessities". Criminy, I'm in my 30s - I should be financially stable by now, yet I'm having to live paycheck-to-paycheck like a teenager. What am I going to do when I need to go to school full-time? Gah. Well, that is nine months away. Let me work on what I can right now. I need more money. So, I need to get a better job. A permanent job even, with health insurance and benefits (wow, what a concept!). It's time to renew the job search while still trying to get something better within my current department. But I am a bit hesitant to apply for a permanent full-time position knowing that I'm going to want to change to part-time. I wonder if it's best to be completely upfront about this, or to just get a position, do a great job so they won't want to lose me, then eventually ask to switch to part-time? Beginning immediately, I am putting myself on a budget. I will take $n out of the bank every week, and spend no more than that on whatever it is I want to buy. In addition, I am starting to bring meals and snacks to work. I had gotten into the habit of buying breakfast, lunch and snacks while at work every day, and that adds up. Also, bringing food will have the super-added bonus of allowing me to eat healthier and chow down the vegetables which I can tell my body wants. Oh, if only we had a circa 98-99 economy again! 20 November 02 School plans are coming along nicely. I aced my placement tests a couple of weeks ago, and spoke with a counselor last night - as it turns out, I'm only required to place into a particular math class (which I did), but I don't actually have to take it, so that's one less class I need to worry about. I will start school in January. I'll be going part-time until Fall when I switch to full-time; I'll be working on completing my General Ed requirements this year, and plan on entering the Nursing program the following Spring. This is pretty exciting. I'll be poor, busy and tired for the next couple of years, but at least I'll be learning and working towards a goal. Plus building a career path and other fun stuff. Next up, I need to work on finding a more interesting (and better paying) job. I met with our new department manager on Monday and we spoke a little about my short-term career plans and how my current job might fit into that. Now that I have a clearer idea of my school schedule, I want to go back to her and see if I can't get a better job out of all this while retaining the ability to attend school. 18 November 02 Okay, another half hour and then it will be late enough to go to bed. I'm quite tired, but if I go to bed too early, I'll wake up too early. And that is just wrong. I didn't sleep well last night. I'd wake up and lay there, toss and turn and lay there some more. Occasionally I'd doze off for awhile until the vicious cycle repeated itself. And all the time I know I have to wake up in n hours to go to work. Feh. What's sad is that having a couple of drinks is what keeps me from sleeping the whole night. It only started recently, but now if I have more than a drink/beer or so, I cannot sleep during the night. And is that wasn't bad enough, often my allergies kick in and I'll get horrible sinus headaches as well. (Web searches reveal some connection between alcohol and histamine production, which explains the sinus pain.) This only started after I became afflicted with allergies this past summer. I like drinking. I don't want that little pleasure taken away from me. [ObSwooning: Frederick and I had another *wonderful* weekend just being together.] 11 November 02 Today I have the day off from work. It's the first holiday I've had since going back to work in July, and boy, holidays are so much more meaningful when you have a job. I'm looking forward to the relative plethora of holidays coming up in the next couple of months. I haven't done much today except laze around the house with Kisa. I feel bad because I don't spend as much time with her now as I used to, so when I'm home I try to pay her extra attention; earlier this afternoon she took a nap curled up next to me as I sat on the couch and read. I am still basking in the gloriousness that was this past weekend. Save for a few hours on Saturday spent helping prepare for the Woom party, I spent the entire weekend with Frederick, and it was just incredible. Friday was a low-key night spent eating pizza and watching half of "Brazil". Saturday, after setting up for the party and showering, we headed over to Woom and spent the next many hours in the company of wonderful friends. As with any sizeable party, I wasn't able to spend as much time socializing with everyone I wanted to, but I suppose that was largely because I was so distracted by Frederick. We had such a great time being with each other and getting a chance to talk about a lot of different things that we hadn't gotten around to discussing before, and everything else took a back seat to that. But I did have a chance to introduce him to several friends, all of whom seemed to really like him. And as if that wasn't enough, a handful of different people came up to us at the party and told us we made such a great couple. Not that I'm basing my decisions on what others think, but it sure is nice to hear things like that. Sunday was another super-lazy day. After sleeping the morning (and a large part of the afternoon) away we finally got up, ingested some caffeine and watched the last bit of the movie. Eventually we made it out of the house for a sushi dinner, but hurried back to again make ourselves comfortable and revel in one another. As time goes by I am falling more and more in love. As that happens, I gain more and more confidence in this relationship, and allow myself to open up and love more, thus perpetuating the cycle. I am constantly amazed that this has happened to me, while at the same time, I am eternally grateful that it has. And I look forward to a beautiful future. 3 November 02 A few months ago I went to BevMo and spent about $60 on beer. (I like good beer.) That stash is coming in handy right now. 3 November 02 I feel like I'm being held together by scotch tape and safety pins and any pressure against that will make me fall to pieces. How can I be so happy and loving life one day, then be completely scared my world is going to fall apart the next? A lesson I've recently learned, simple as it may be, is to only consider the facts when assessing a situation. You can't sit at home and be upset because "something" might happen, or because you "think" someone feels a certain way; these "what ifs" are the cause of so many insecurities (and I figure I've got enough of those without allowing my brain to create others). With that in mind, nothing is wrong. So why have I been on the verge of tears all afternoon? Maybe it's some hormonal thing, but I've never used that as an excuse before and feel funny about starting now. *sigh* 27 October 02 Mmm, I've just had the most incredible weekend. It wasn't much to the outsider; Frederick and I just spent a lot of time together, enjoying each other's company. We went out to dinner on Friday night and I got to meet one of his sisters and her husband, and one of his nieces. Unfortunately we missed a couple of Halloween parties on Saturday night, but it was more than made up for by the quality of time we spent with one another. He is incredible; I feel so lucky and so happy to be with him. Oof, it's not even 8pm and I'm ready to go to bed. Daylight savings time really messes with my internal clock and it takes me days to recalibrate. Now I just need to busy myself for the next couple of hours until it is time to sleep. 19 October 02 I've just submitted an application to City College, and I'll be taking the placement tests at the beginning of November, wheee! I'm really looking forward to learning stuff and blowing the cobwebs out of my brain. But geeze, this is going to require some degree of *gasp* dedication and effort. It's been almost ten years since I've taken a college class and, well, a lot more than that since high school. Tonight I am not worrying too much about that; tonight is a lazy evening spent at home with Kisa, a carton of chocolate mint ice cream, and a spoon. 17 October 02 As you probably know, I've been thinking about going back to school to get a nursing degree, but I have been having trouble committing to that decision for a couple of different reasons. Well, I think I've finally chosen a course of action which will both set me on track towards beginning the nursing program in Fall 2003 as well as allowing me to make preliminary plans in the meantime. I will need to take three general ed. classes prior to the beginning of the Fall semester and I should be able to begin them in January. I'm hoping that enrolling in those classes will get me "in the mood", so to speak, for diving into full-time schoolwork. Recently I've realized that I tend to make excuses for things that are difficult, or things I really don't want to do. My excuses can be so plausible that they even convince me, but they're excuses nevertheless, and I need to stop using them. If I really do not want to do something, that's fine - so long as I say, "I have chosen not to do this thing." But if I instead say something like, "Well, I was interested in this thing but I don't think it will work out because of blahblahblah", well, that's an excuse. It removes the responsibility of making the decision from me, and that's where the problem lies. I need to take responsibility for all of the choices I make in life, and not blame the outcome on whatever excuse happens to be convenient. This realization is particularly relevant now as I'm thinking of going back to school because I find my inner pessimist coming up with all sorts of excuses not to - "I'm too old to go back to school." "I won't be able to support myself." "What if it's too hard?" "I won't have any spending money or free time for two years." "Do I *really* want to do this?" And so on. Well, the fact of the matter is that if I don't do something about my job situation, those two years are going to pass anyway and I will still be standing here on square one complaining about having neither a good salary nor any good career options, plus the added frustration of having wasted yet another couple of years floundering in a world of possibilities. With all that in mind, here are my goals for the next two months:
8 October 02 Well, I had an interesting day at work today - I got to watch a kidney transplant surgery! I watched the first half of the surgery where the kidney was removed from the donor, but that in itself took over three hours, and due to time constraints I wasn't able to see the insertion into the recipient. Nevertheless, it was incredibly interesting, and it certainly has me thinking about becoming a surgical nurse. The nephrectomy (kidney removal) is done laparoscopically, with a small camera and the surgical instruments inserted into the patient's abdominal cavity via small (~1 cm) incisions on the left side of the belly, just below the ribcage. The surgeon then locates the kidney, dissects and cauterizes the tissues and blood vessels attached to it, then finally clamps off and cuts the ureter, renal artery and renal vein. At this point the organ is lying "loose" inside the abdomen. An incision is made in the center of the belly, and the surgeon simply reaches his hand in and pulls out the kidney. Pic of kidney immediately before transplantation. Since the procedure is done via laparotomy, you are seeing everything displayed on a television screen. This actually gives an observer a much better view than an "open" surgery; I watched part of the second surgery where the kidney transplant recipient was prepped, and it's difficult to see what's actually being done where there are a couple of doctors standing between you and the patient. While in the O.R. I had a chance to talk to two of the nurses, an O.R. tech, and a couple of nursing students, and it's getting me more psyched up to go to nursing school. Even the idea of learning a bunch of new, interesting stuff is exciting! 6 October 02 Over the past few months I've been applying for tech jobs, but there really aren't that many jobs out there. Few of those positions I qualify for, and an even smaller number are jobs which I would *like* to have. Which is a moot point since I haven't been getting called in for interviews anyway. And the whole process is enough to make you doubt your self-worth and make you wonder if things will ever get better. So as I languish in my current low-paying, unchallenging temp job, I've been giving a lot of thought to what I want to do with my career so that I do not continue in similiar jobs ad infinitum. There are four major criteria which am am taking into consideration as I attempt to choose a career path: 1) First and foremost, it has to be in a field which interests me, 2) I need to be able to grow and advance, and not stagnate on a dead-end path, 3) It must have a positive financial outlook so that I can live comfortably and not struggle to make ends meet, and finally, 4) I need there to actually be job opportunities available. Taking these things into account, I've narrowed down my choices to the rather broad categories of tech/IT or healthcare. Once I had narrowed it down to these categories, my initial reaction was, "Well of course I want to continuing working in the IT field." Afterall, I've got five years recent experience there, it's an area which does interest me, plus I think it's kinda cool. But as I mentioned, there aren't many jobs out there for which I am qualified, so I started thinking that I should invest in some classes and training to bring my skills up to what the current market demands. And what skills do I try and improve? What if that doesn't work? What if the market stays as tight as it is and I can never break back in? A recurring grey cloud keeps casting a shadow over this plan - there are an awful lot of technical things I do not know, and probably not enough things that I do know. I'm sure that I'm selling myself short by saying this, but I feel like I really don't know anything and have been "getting away with something" while working in IT. With this in mind, I saw there was another career posiibility which kept rearing its head as if to say, "You can do *this*!" That choice is nursing. To become an R.N., and work in some aspect of nursing that I find to be both interesting and "cool". I'd need two years of schooling to prepare for the Registered Nursing certification exam before I would be able to work. Before making this sort of commitment, I need to be aure it's what I really want to do. I've spoken a little bit with a couple of nurses at work, and I've checked into education requirements and opportunities. This coming week I hope to be attending a surgery so that I can see it in person and hopefully get excited enough to want to be involved in that sort of work on a regular basis. And also there's a nursing open house at UCSF where I can talk with more people and get more information to help me decide. The thing that really scares me about this is the schooling. While I have complete confidence that I will be able to understand the material and pass the tests, I'm nervous about committing to two full-time years at school. I've never gone to college full-time; the only classes I've taken previously were night classes here and there. But the worst part is the financial situation that would leave me in - I currently have no debt, and the thought of racking up student loans to pay bills while I'm at school is frightening. To say nothing of the two years of "starving studentness" I would have to endure. I've got a lot to think about. | |||
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