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28 June 03 Tomorrow - Sunday, June 29 - a few friends and I are hosting a gallery showing of photos from a couple of recent shoots here in SF. It's just for fun; the whole idea was to get us off our butts and to get out and take some photos. Please come by tomorrow evening to see our photos and have some wine and snacks! Info here: misc/photos.jpg 26 June 03 Here are interview questions from Mr. Locura Insomnio 1: When you were little what did you want to be? What do you want to be now? When I was little I wanted to work with animals. I wanted to be some sort of field biologist or researcher and just be around animals all the time. Volunteering at the SF Zoo last year I realized that while I would still love to do that, I just wouldn't be able to make a decent living. And also, now that I'm older, I value a comfy home life more than I did as a child. So now when I grow up I want to be rich enough to not have to work. Barring that, I'm studying to become a Registered Nurse and work in Surgery. 2: After breaking up and getting back together have you found any differences in the way you relate? any strengthening or weakening of trust? I think the main difference (with me, at least) is that I feel much more confident in the relationship since we both kow we want to be with one another. That probably goes right along with the strengthening of trust. But I feel that since we both made a renewed commitment to oe another, that brought us to a new level in our relationship as well as strengthened the bond between us. 3: You and I are (as I recall) in the same age bracket and therefore on some level shared similar cultural experiences growing up, when you watch the new generation for goth/industrial/raver/freaks do you notice a decided similarity with the more hard core New Wave kids? Since we ended up here, where do you think they will end up? That's hard to say. On one hand, I think there has already been so much groundwork (for lack of a better term) laid for "alternative" people that the "kids nowadays" in general aren't doing anything too groundbreaking. Back in the 80s when I started getting really involved in the music scene it seemed like everything we were doing was new and different. I didn't know anyone whose look I could "copy" because these freaky people didn't exist in such numbers. Now people with funny-colored hair, piercings and tattoos are everywhere, and goth fashions are also mall fashions. Maybe I'm speaking with 20/20 hindsight, but I think all the hard work has already been done for today's kids. 4: I get the distinct impression that you dive :) I tried it a few times and pretty much gave up (maybe having a psychotic friend with a spear gun taking shots at fish right next to you "cuz it's funny" may have had something to do with that) What has been your best experience diving? Yikes, that's not cool. My three best experiences all surrounded animal encounters... Diving at Los Islotes, a sea lion rookery in the Sea of Cortez, we saw two bulls battling over territory and the breeding females contained within. I was underwater and witnessed one particular fight, and saw the loser (a known friendly bull; an anomaly) retreat from the dispute area. Towards the end of my dive I swam towards the defeated male. We both slowly rose to the surface and I just watched him as he relaxed in the sun with his flippers up to cool off. The two of us lay floating on the surface of the water for about 15 minutes, a mere armslength apart. At one point I remembered this was called a sea lion because their jaws resemble that of a lion, and I got this amazing rush from being in such close proximity with a half-ton carnivore. Eventually the bull swam off, and I looked up to see the rest of my diving party on the boat, watching me slack-jawed. A few months later we returned to that site and were greeted by dozens of curious sea lion pups (they had just been born during our prior visit). We were able to play with the pups underwater, and they chewed on our hands just like puppies! It was very cute. Finally, during one of my Sea of Cortez dives, we were about 80' down circling the seamounts looking for hammerhead sharks. Our small group was swimming upcurrent when we came across a small school coming the opposite direction. Normally hammerheads are shy and will often take off when they see people, but this group continued along their way. One shark in particular was cruising at the same depth as me, and I got such a thrill when I realized she (yes, all the scalloped hammerheads that exhibit schooling behaviour are female) saw me as an individual. It made such an impression on me that when I got home, I got a tattoo of a hammerhead to remember it by :) 5: The DJ thing: Describe the feeling of a good night Djing. A good night DJing really is a high without the drugs. You're playing music you really like for a few hundred people, they're dancing and smiling and cheering. You feel like you're walking on clouds because you've just shared something very dear to you and the dancers loved it! 24 June 03 Is it possible to be allergic to air conditioning? If so, I am. I often sneeze as soon as air conditioning is turned on, and when it's used too liberally, I become stuffy and congested. In my perfect world there is never air conditioning used when I am in the room; also, in my perfect world everyone ever associated with the SF DPT lives out eternity in the pain of their own personal hell. (And while I'm at it, Microsoft has never existed.) I went to a bonfire on Ocean Beach last Friday night. On Saturday I washed all the clothes I wore while out there, yet my coat still smells of smoke. I had a nice (albeit air conditioned) dinner with Squiddles and Stefanie tonight, and now I'm home unwinding before bed. I'm home, alone at my apartment for only the second time in the past 5+ weeks. It's odd being here without Kisa. And I do miss Frederick. But at the same time it is nice to have a night to myself. I've spent the past few months in various stages of first worrying about our relationship, then being so excited about being together, that I didn't realize how much I needed to take a step back from it all and just relax and think about stuff. (The Good Kind of being alone and thinking, not the Bad Kind.) *yawn* I think it's bedtime now. Time to go sprawl my limbs all over the bed and not worry about bumping into anyone :) 18 June 03 Here are interview questions asked of me by Ms. Big & Growly Dragon: 1. If you could visit any ancient city at the time of its heydey, which one would you choose? There are many historical events which I would love to have seen - the invention of the wheel and of the written language, for example - but I think the place I would like to visit would be the Mayan city of Chichen Itza. I've seen the reconstructed ruins of the city, and think it would be amazing to see how those people actually lived, and to see how much of their lives we have been able to accurately recreate. 2. What is the bravest thing you have ever done? That would probably have been my 1994 decision to get unmarried. I had always been a scared and unemotionally insecure person, and this represented my first big step towards evolving and really getting to know myself. I left behind a relationship, a house and financial security, but more importantly, I also left behind the cookie-cutter suburban existence which had been standing between the person I was and the person I wanted to be. 3. Are you comfortable and confident with the goals you have set forth for yourself currently? Yes, I am! I'm both comfortable and confident that I will be able to accomplish them, but at the same time I see enough challenges in the future to keep me interested. I do feel a bit antsy though - I am anxious to move further, faster. 4. What, for you, distinguishes a truly great book from merely a good read? I feel a great book is one that teaches me something; one that makes me think. This can apply to either fiction or non-fiction, and concrete or abstract ideas. But I think it's wonderful when a book puts something into my head that continues to bounce around in there, sparking new thoughts and spawning new ideas and ways of thinking. Often, those are the same books that I have difficulty putting down. 5. In the last 7 years, which action or decision did you make that affects your life today the most? (The effect can be positive or negative, but this is something you did, not something that was done to you by others or a situation.) In 1999 I was travelling through Europe with a couple of friends. On a whim, we decided to visit Auschwitz. I went there with no expectations, yet that visit changed my life (for the better, surprisingly). In short, I realized how good my life was and how much I had going for me, and for the first time in my life I became a happy person. (Later that summer I attending my first Burning Man, and that reinforced and solidified the changes in me.) This was a lot of fun! 17 June 03 You know it's been a great weekend when you're more in love on Monday than you were the previous Friday :) And on top of that, it felt like a really long weekend, which only served to make it more wonderful. On Friday night, Frederick and I went to a party at Rob & Renee's place in Antioch. There was a nice gathering of people there - Rob, Renee, Mike, Wendy, Harald, Brian, Jen, Tim, Cristina, Kevin, Jenny, and probably a couple of others whom I've forgotten. It was the first time this year that I've had a chance to get together with that group, and I was looking forward to Frederick having a chance to get to know everyone a little bit better, and vice-versa. As it turns out, everyone got along fabulously! I love it when my friends like my other friends, and everyone bonds together just a little bit more closely. The most pleasant surprise of the evening was how well Frederick and I got along with Tim and his girlfriend, Cristina. Although it had been years since Tim and I had been dating/involved/whatever, I had never really been around him when he was dating another person, and I did wonder a bit about how we would each react to seeing one another with our significant others. Not only was not at all awkward, I was glad to see that Tim & Cristina seemed happy together; I like her and had fun hanging out with her, and neither of the guys felt uncomfortable. But the best thing of all was that I was able to look at both Frederick and Tim and felt completely happy and confident that I was with the right person, and that I had no feelings other than friendship for Tim. All that having been said, the thing that made the weekend so completely wonderful was Frederick. We had some great conversations and were able to talk to one another and connect at a deeper level than before. Renee was able to put it into words - we both love one another more every day. 12 June 03 Addendum to my previous entry, an article about my situation! http://money.cnn.com/2003/06/12/pf/saving/duppies/index.htm 12 June 03 omehow my job has recently turned from brainless and boring into something I am beginning to hate. Although "hate" may be somewhat inaccurate, I think "resent" may more precisely describe my feelings. I resent the fact that I am smart, capable and responsible, that I am able to accomplish so much, yet I am stuck in a crappy job where I am unable to utilize my skills. I often feel like the forgotten celebrity shaking her fists at the sky, "I used to be *someone*!" I want that back. This is the worst job I have worked. The duties themselves, while simple and mindless, are not what make it so bad. It is everything else. The black cloud of despair hanging over the office. The incompetent, often destructive supervisor. The way so many people look down their noses at you because you're just an administrative assistant. The fact that as a new employee, I cannot take any vacation time for *six months* while I'm on probation, despite the fact I worked as a temp for seven months prior to getting hired, and I had already racked up vacation hours. I feel the oppression weighing heavily upon me, and I see my attitude changing because of it. I am becoming more misanthropic, more critical, more angry. I do not like this. I know from previous experience that if I were to leave this job, the oppressive feelings would be lifted from me. However, that's not an option right now. I need money to live, jobs are scarce, and I do want to work here (albeit in a different department) once I'm through with school. I need to keep in mind my long-range plans and at least stay in this job until September, at which time my probation period will be over and I can then look for a new position. Only three more months. I hope I can make it. 5 June 03 I'm sitting here at work, in a new (to me) office. A handful of people in my department moved to these new digs on Monday, and boy am I glad I decided to join them! Here the new space is so roomy - I'm sharing a large office with one other person, I have about twice as much deskspace as I did in the other location, and we have plenty of room for things like printers and storage! Contrast that to my previous location where too many people were crammed into too small of an area, and boxes and supplies were always overflowing into the walkways. Plus, it's so pleasantly quiet! The only bad things about this new area are my lack of a window to the outdoors, and the prying, talkative officemate. I generally like to keep to myself, and it takes me a while to warm up to new people, so I really don't like it when people I don't know start asking me all sorts of questions and chatting like I'm their best friend. New Officemate won't be back here until Monday, so let's just hope she has enough work then to keep her distracted. 28 May 03 Hrmpf. I'm sitting here at work on Wednesday morning, and our network has been down since Tuesday at about 2pm. The problem has been attributed to a Pac Bell outage. The IT group here at UCSF are really not very good. In addition to other examples of general technological incompetencies ("'Mozilla'? What's that? I'm going to delete it because it may be causing your network problems.") they're using Pac Bell not only as a primary, but as the only ISP for the building I am in. *sigh* The worst part about not having any Internet connectivity is that I have no form of entertainment. I'll probably end up going to organize the storage area in order to keep myself occupied. Speaking of keeping myself occupied, Frederick and I had a conversation the other night about being busy at work vs. relaxing and being lazy at home. I've realized that while I like some degree of relaxing and doing nothing during the evenings and weekends, I cannot do that all the time. Since my day job is so boring and unchallenging, I need to have some degree of physical and/or mental activity when I'm away from work. So this means I'm always looking for little projects to do around the house, even if it's just cleaning up. This is also why I'm loving school so much - it gives me the mental workout I don't get from my job. I've also been getting involved in some creative projects as of late. I've put the finishing touches on a painting that had been sitting around, uncompleted, for months, begun another painting (a little garden scene from F's backyard), and become involved in a photography project. The photo project is really cool - a small group of us went on a photo shoot here in SF, many of us shooting at the same location at the same time. Then we'll each pick out our best/favourite pictures, mount them, and display them at our own "gallery showing". There's no competition involved. We're just doing it for the fun of it, and because having the goal of the showing gives us the motivation we need to complete the project. Hey, look...the network just came back up. 19.5 hours later. 21 May 03 As of last night, I'm done with school for this semester, wheeee! I came away with 'A's in both English and Psych, and that makes me very happy. Now I have a couple weeks' reprieve before I attempt to get into a Summer class. A couple of weeks with no classes or homework - what do I do with all my free time?! :) Oh, why in the hell is "American Idol" so popular? I hear all sorts of people talking about it. What is wrong with them; were these people also fans of "Star Search" and "The Gong Show"? We've got a three-day weekend coming up. Mmmmmmm. 12 May 03 Did you ever notice how people write more often when things aren't going well? Misery loves company, I guess. With me, I try to write about stuff to both think "aloud" and to document rough spots in my life so that I don't repeat mistakes. I need a new desk. A bigger desk with more room and more storage within. Someday I'll get around to buying one. Kisa used to sleep right next to me on top of the covers. But the last few nights everytime I've woken up there was a cat sleeping right on top of me. It makes it hard to roll over. Quote from Psych class, describing the difference between neuroses and psychoses: "Neurotics build castles in the sky; psychotics move in." 5 May 03 I am at work and I am bored. I don't have anything to do, and that really is worse than being too busy. The days go by very slow this way. I have nothing to do because I am still technically training the New Woman to take over my job. Today marks the end of her fifth week of training, and she still has not yet taken over the final bits and pieces of her job. (For reference, the last three people in that position were each fully trained in ONE WEEK.) N.W. is just Not Very Bright. But because of lame-ass UCSF policies regarding transfers from other departments she cannot just be let go. Instead, we have to document her inefficiencies and inabilities and bring those to the union representative and see what comes of that meeting. Meanwhile, I just sit and wait to see what happens, and if I will go back to my old job. Tangent: Most UCSF employees (myself included) belong to a union. I've never worked for a union before, and I really don't see the benefit to it. (Sure, historically unions did benefit the common worker, but times have changed and things are different now.) I'm not sure what the union does for me except take monthly dues out of my check, give me a mandatory six-month probation (as opposed to 90 days in every other job I've worked) even though I worked here as a temp for six months before being hired, and limit the amount of salary I can make. What the union does do here is make it almost impossible to let go any incompetent employee once they've gotten past their six-month probation. And then UCSF ends up with a plethora of lazy, worthless workers. In other news, there are three more weeks of school this semester, and my classes are going very well. I tried registering for a summer class, but due to the very late registration date I was assigned combined with the reduced number of summer classes due to state budget cuts, I was unable to get into anything. I will take the advice of others and just show up for the first few sessions of class in hopes that I.ll be able to Add. I've been going through the schedule for Fall and have decided to take Anatomy, plus probably Sociology and maybe one other class if I can squeeze it all in. I wonder if I can reduce the number if hours I work to make it any easier? Something to think about. Kisa and I spend the weekend at Frederick's place, and the two of them had great fun playing with the laser pointer. Nothing like the pitter-patter of tiny claws around the house. And I'm very happy with my "new" relationship. It's like I have the same great boyfriend as before, but now he's had all the warranty work done and runs better than ever :) Mmmmmmm. 27 April 03 Wow. All I can say is, WOW. I had a rainy motorcycle ride home from school the other night. I arrived here, changed into Comfy Clothes, and sat down to read mail while I unwound before bed. I hit "D" on spam after spam when I came across a mail from Frederick. I read it and tears welled up in my eyes. I read it again to make sure I wasn't mistaken, then called him up. The short story is we are back together, and it is better than ever. It took us being apart for him to really think and realize what he wants, and it turns out we both want each other. I am so happy! 23 April 03 I am surprised by how well I'm doing right now, all things considered. The last time I went through the break-up of a serious relationship was with Tim in 1997, and that was much different. It caught me by surprise and I was unprepared, I didn't have many friends, and the friends I did have seemed to have been busy with their own pursuits and didn't have time for me. The week we broke up was the same week my father was severely ill in the hospital, and the same week I had my 13 year old dog put to sleep. Needless to say I wasn't doing well. So why am I doing relatively okay? This time around I've at least had time to mentally prepare myself; we had been having problems and even though I had been hoping for the best, I had prepared for the worst. And I have some great friends who have been checking in on me and lending me shoulders to cry on when necessary. Thank you, everyone. While I'm not as despondent now as I was then, I'm certainly not happy. I feel like a large part of me has been forcibly excised, not unlike waking up in a bathtub full of ice with a scar above the place my kidney used to be. For months I was deliriously ecstatic and I was starting to think about spending the rest of my life with this person. Then erosion worked its black magic, and here we are now. I can't stop thinking about him and the reasons I love him and what might have been. I wish one could just decide to not love another, as that would make this process so much easier. But no, I have to wait for the clock to tick, tick, tick and let time attempt to lessen the hurt. I am angry because I didn't do anything wrong, and yet this relationship still did not work. I was loving, supportive, giving, caring, affectionate, communicative, and understanding without being critical, oppressive, demanding or needy. All I wanted was to share my life with him. Sometimes I wonder if this would be easier if I had made an error or if there was something wrong with me - at least that way there would have been something for me to fix. But something was wrong, otherwise we'd still be together; was it a bad choice on my part? I'm trying to find something, somewhere to blame, and I'm the perfect target. It's hard to not let self-pity run rampant. Sentimental person that I am, what makes me sad is that he never gave me anything to remember him by. Sure, I've got memories and a handful of photos, but I have no cards, gifts, or even a sappy email with which to reminisce. 19 April 03 I have just broken up with the man I love more than anyone I've ever loved before. I am completely, utterly heartbroken and full of despair. 17 April 03 tick, tick, tick, tick, tick I look in the mirror and the face staring back at me is different. It hasn't belonged to a child for quite some time now, but the changes never stop.tick, tick, tick, tick, tick We only have a limited number of years to live. Time goes by so fast, and seems to only speed faster as we get older. This isn't a rehearsal; this is life. Enjoy it while you can.tick, tick, tick, tick, tick But sometimes it's hard to enjoy when things aren't going well. What to do then? Wish away your life while you wish away the bad times? What if today is your last day? Do you want it to go quickly?tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Sometimes you have to do things that are unpleasant. You don't want to do them so you wish for time to move slowly as you procrastinate.tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Sometimes you wish for the future to become the present so you can get the unpleasantness out of the way.tick, tick, tick, tick, tick Time moves at different rates - there's never enough when it's good and then there's too much when it's bad. There's got to be a way to have that even out.tick, tick, tick, tick, tick 15 April 03 I'm on Spring Break, woo! Shouldn't I be in Fort Lauderdale hangin' in the MTV beach house or something? (It's okay to laugh; that's a joke.) Besides, it's not much of a break if I still have to work. And speaking of work...training the New Woman is not going well. I have started to become more stern and direct with her concering her lack of productivity. And, I'm frustrated because I do not believe she can handle the workload and I think she should be replaced (not that I'm able to make that decision) and therefore I feel this training is futile. *sigh* That aside, I had a great weekend spending time with a host of wonderful people. Tequila, pizza and GirlTalk with Laura & Jenny on Friday, a lovely tea party at Winnie's on Saturday afternoon (at teatime, natch), a cozy, cuddly gathering at Jen & David's that night, then a beer & visit with Susan on Sunday evening. I love surrounding myself with so many great people. Monday night I spun my third-ever downtempo set at 26Mix. On the rare occasion nowadays when I do DJ, my goal is to break down barriers and expose people to music which they may not have heard before, yet all fits together. Because of this, the more genres of music I can mix together, the more successful I consider my set to have been. My playlist from last night included: Deutsch Nepal, Banco De Gaia, Cleen, din_fiv, Girls Under Glass, Mino and Xymox. I need to listen to music more often. Somehow, I've gotten out of the habit and I don't realize how much I miss it until I'm "forced" to listen to something, like when I was picking out music for last night's set. I wonder why I've stopped? 13 April 03 I'm doing some spring cleaning and I have stuff I'd like to get rid of. Please email at lucretia (at) notagoth (dot) com if you're interested in anything. --- FOR SALE: A bunch of goth/industrial CDs: the list is here. Bauer inline skates, very good condition, used maybe a half-dozen times. Black. Fits women's size 9 or men's size 7. Includes a set of pads. Together they were over $120 brand-new; I'm asking $65. Alpine Star motorcycle boots, hardly worn (never used in the dirt). Stiff leather knee-high motocross style. Black with a brown panel on the inner calf. Fits men's size 7 or women's size 9. Were $100 new; asking $65. Perl books: "Perl 5 Quick Reference" published by Que; O'Reilly's "Programming Perl" (the Camel book); "Teach Yourself CGI Programming with Perl 5" with CD, published by Sams.Net. All for $20. And finally, a lovely Apple 1705 17" monitor! Worked fine the last time I used it. Free if you come and haul it away. 7 April 03 Gah, work just sucks. I'm training a New Woman to take over my current job so that I can move into the position for which I was recently hired. N.W. is no more than 10 years older than me chronologically, but she's from a whole different age. In the past week I've had to teach her such advanced computer skills as "double click", "using the right mouse button", and the amazing "grab the top of the window with your cursor and you can then drag it to another place on your screen"! Anytime I show N.W. some such technological feat she says, "Wow!" If I am so bold as to demonstrate a sign of neural activity in my frontal lobes she is completely taken aback and then asks me, "How did you know that?" What am I supposed to answer, "Because I'm not an idiot"? Instead I usually mumble and quickly move on to attempting to teach her something else (which, by the way, is moving about as slowly as a three-legged tortoise with bunions). Working with people like this makes me feel both incredibly intelligent and woefully pathetic - intelligent in comparision to some around me, but pathetic because I feel that if I were really smart, I wouldn't be in this situation. It's making me feel bad about myself, and I don't like that. I need another job. The trouble is I don't want to have a lot of job-hopping on my resume. I was hired permanently just one month ago, and due to the glacial speed at which UCSF moves, I haven't yet begun my new job duties. (And at the rate the aforementioned training of N.W. is going, I'm sure it will be two or three more weeks before I begin.) I want to do a good job and not burn bridges or make managerial adversaries, but at the same time, I don't want to drive myself insane. So I'm wondering how long I have to work in the new position before it's okay to move elsewhere. I miss working with smart people who know what they're doing! 6 April 03 As of yesterday, I am now officially one year older. To celebrate, I threw myself a birthday party at Frederick's place. It was wonderful! We had a house full of the most wonderful people, and I was so glad that so many friends were able to come by. There were some who couldn't make it, and they were thought of and missed. But everyone in attendance seemed to be enjoying themselves and that made me happy. I had always wanted to throw a big party, but never before had a place large enough to so do. Well, that's not actually the truth. I did have a decent-sized house in Mtn. View, but at the time I lived there I had very few friends, so a party would have been an exercise in futility. So I guess what's really going on here is that I used my birthday as an excuse to lure all my wonderful friends over so I could then entertain them because I like them so much :D I'll get my pictures developed shortly (yeah, I'm a film-camera Luddite) and post them for all to see. 2 April 03 TRUE CONFESSIONS
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