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30 March 04 Wheee! Tonight's evening class was cancelled, so I'm home with a beer, about to play a game. I am adamantly a non-video/computer game person. Save for the occasional Solitaire, Tetris or Mahjong (or my brief affair with NetHack), I just do not like video games. Back in 2000 I spent several hours playing a friend's copy of Heroes of Might and Magic III and enjoyed it enough to buy a copy, but that copy sat around untouched until a couple of days ago. Now it's consuming all my spare time. But my spare time would otherwise be spent in front of the TV, so I suppose this is at least a little more productive? 22 March 04 Lately I've been giving a lot of thought to being alone. Not "alone" in the existential I'm-going-to-die-by-myself way, but "alone" in the I'm-a-solitary person-at-home way. Much of the time I am home because I am studying, but I also do have an amount of free time that I spend around the house. Frederick is here with me when he's not working, but I rarely seek out the company of others when he's absent. I wonder if it's healthy to be a pseudohermit? I started spending a lot of time alone at home after I returned from my last European trip during which "I was able to learn some things about myself. ... I also attained some sort of inner peace with myself that in turn resolved some deep seated fears I had. By the time I got home, I was comfortable in ways that I had not been for a long time, and that was incredible." For many years prior to that trip I had been spending a lot of time with other people, probably some version of attempting to escape my fears. It's important to note that I do not avoid the company of others, but rather, I am selective about whom I spend time with and why. This explains my reluctance to hang out in clubs, and conversely, why I so enjoy small parties and get-togethers. I wonder if this is some sort of cyclical amplitude, or simply a function of getting older? (It should be noted that getting older was one specific thing I used to fear. I panicked for a year prior to turning 30, and for a few years afterward I went wild trying to prove that I wasn't "old". Nowadays I don't really care about the number associated with age; there are plenty of "old" 25-year-olds and "young" 50-year-olds.) I'm okay with getting older now. It means I'm getting better :) 20 March 04 What's in my head right now? The box of kitty litter states it is "Approved for use around pets." Are there some that aren't? I have a couple of dream homes in my head. The front-runner is the stone castle, complete with turrets (and guns, of course!) and a shark-filled moat. The inside of another is decorated with so many plants, rocks, water decorations, etc., along with a sprinkling of birds and critters, so that you feel like you're living in the jungle. Shall I make cookies for dessert tonight? I don't have enough apples for a pie. 10 March 04 Ultravox* is the most underrated band of the 80s. Way back in the early 80s I was a big metalhead. My favourite bands were Rush and Iron Maiden. Right after Rush put out their first album with a lot of keyboards (I believe it was Signals) I read an interview with the band wherein one of the members said their move to use keyboards was inspired by the band Ultravox, so, for research purposes, I went and bought an Ultravox album. That purchase sent me on the musical spiral into New Wave, then true Alternative, Dirge ("goth" didn't exist back then), Industrial, and after many, many years to Psytrance, and full circle back into Thrash Metal. Twenty-plus years later, I still love Ultravox. They, obviously, were a pivotal band for me, possibly the second most influential band in shaping my musical past. (The band that changed my life was U2, but that's another story!) [When I use the name "Ultravox" I am referring to the band with Midge Ure. Ultravox with John Foxx was poo.] 8 March 04 Whew! I was just sitting in the sun on the back deck wearing shorts and a tank top, doing some homework. I finally had to come inside because it was getting too hot, and I started turning pink. Mmm, a brief taste of a real summer (please remember that it is still officially winter!). And before you get too jealous of San Francisco weather, please remember that when June rolls around we'll be covered in dreary fog for a few months. While summers in SF aren't actually colder than the winters, it sure seems that way; they're certainly more miserable and opaque. 4 March 04 Okay, two quizzes down. I think I did fine on the Chemistry lecture quiz, but I messed up a couple of answers on the lab test. Of course, the lab tests are lame, and instead of giving us a true practical, the teacher just reworded problems from our homework a couple of weeks ago. This doesn't sound bad, but for some reason it took me a good five minutes to figure out what he was asking us in Question 1, and then I had to rush through to finish on time. While I'm enjoying Chemistry I am coming to dislike the lab class. The teacher talks through at least half of the lab period. He reads our instructions to us and writes half of them on the board; meanwhile we each have written instructions in our lab manual. Since he spends so much time babbling we do not have enough time to complete our experiments - we're getting out of class a half-hour late, and today some students weren't able to finish even with that extra time. Gah. 3 March 04 I'm a procrastinator. But I know this, and I work around it. And because of that (or maybe despite it) I find I can work best when I have a deadline. Nothing like a fire smouldering under your butt to get you moving. I've got two quizzes tomorrow, two mid-terms next week, plus reading and studying that needs to be done. But when I sit down at the table I let myself get distracted. All of a sudden I need to get something to drink, maybe a bite to eat, lemme just clean this up a bit, now I have something in my eye, run up to the bathroom to get the eyedrops, and as long as I'm up here I'll just check my email. Hey, what's that over there?... 1 March 04 This lounging-around-in-pajamas-and-bathrobe-until-4pm thing has got to stop. And considering that yesterday was an über-lazy Sunday and I never changed out of said PJs, I've been dressed like this for 36 hours now. (Do I really want to admit this to the Internet public?) We had a great party on Saturday night, and I thank everyone who showed up to make it such a wonderful time. It was fun pulling people together from a few different social circles and having them meet each other. I tried to be a good hostess and talk a little with everyone during the night, although I did spent quite a bit of time with my 160-proof friend Stroh (which probably explains yesterday's extreme sloth). I just bagged up about a bazillion empty bottles, and the cooler is still full of beer! I think we need to have another party just to get rid of the extra alcohol ;) 26 February 04 In Chem lab today we boiled red cabbage to make a pH indicator solution. After smelling cooking cabbage all morning I came home and made myself a tofu beer brat covered with sauerkraut and ate it all up! On a completely unrelated note... <flashback to childhood> I was shy as kid, sometimes painfully so. On my first day of kindergarten my mother had to walk me into the classroom as I was too scared to walk in by myself. And when I was about age 8, I hid in my closet and threw shoes at a visiting cousin because I was too shy to come out and play. As I got older I got a little better. I played with classmates and the neighborhood kids like any normal child, but I never had very many friends. I was a bit of an outcast, and while that may have perpetuated my shyness, I don't feel that amplified it. Nowadays my shyness is directly related to my comfort level. If I am comfortable in a situation - if I'm with a group of friends, if I am confident, or if I feel I "belong" somewhere - then my shyness probably won't manifest itself. I can speak in front of crowds or dance around like a crazed wombat and I'll be fine; many friends mistakenly think I am extroverted. But my shyness is still there. It is now most pronounced at parties where I do not know many people. I was at such a party this past Saturday. I went there with Frederick, and he spent most of the evening chatting with friends he hadn't seen for awhile. But there were only a handful of people there I knew. I had a few pleasant five-minute conversations with those folks, then spent the rest of the time sitting alone on the couch, feeling self-conscious. I eventually told Frederick I wanted to leave, and then we went home. Sure, one option might have been to introduce myself to new people and spend the evening in conversation, but not so for a shy person. Not for me. That concept is about as foreign to me as palm trees are to Eskimos. I would feel very uncomfortable making random conversation with strangers. I've occasionally been accused of being "stuck-up" or "difficult to approach", but it's not because I have an attitude; it's simply because I have no idea what to say to strangers, so instead I just sit there. 12 February 04 So many tests this week - Anatomy lecture test on Tuesday, Chemistry lecture and lab tests this morning, and an Anatomy lab practical this evening. I completely flubbed one question on the lab test (what was I thinking?!) but I'm feeling okay about things in general. I want to hurry and get my results so I can see how I did! I've got an appointment with my hairdresser extraordinaire tomorrow, so that should be exciting! I've had my current 'do for six months or so, and I am in need of a change. Plans are on for our leap year party on February 28th! Yay, I love having parties. 1 February 04 I am in great danger of embarassing myself here, but hey - if you can't make fun of yourself, then who can you make fun of? The Alt.Gothic gallery from 1994, and The Hat, also circa '94. (The Hat was a little project of mine - I found a huge sombrero on the street, spray-painted it black, and took it to the club so I could photograph people wearing this oh-so-goth atrocity.) Heh, those images are from a friend's page which has been up (on different domains) for ten years now. Wow, we're getting old. 29 January 04 I'm taking a break between classes and homework, and what better way to distract myself than with the Interweb. I'm enjoying school. I am being academically challenged for the first time in I don't know how long (forever, maybe?) and that's really cool. Out of the three classes I'm taking this semester, American Government seems as though it will be easy. The other two however - Human Anatomy and Introduction to Medical Chemistry - are going to be a lot of work. Anatomy has been ramping up slowly. Although we've covered a lot of ground in the first couple weeks of school, most of the information isn't new to me. Remnants of college biology from a dozen years ago are being resurrected from those dusty corners of my brain, and frankly, a lifetime of interest in zoology, biology and health are (finally) really working to my benefit. Chemistry, on the other hand, is a completely new beast. I never had the benefit of a high school chem class, so even the most basic rules are little revelations to me. But I am plugging away, reading, re-reading, and doing all the exercises in the book to make sure I grasp each concept, and those tactics seem to be working. Both my Chemistry and Anatomy teachers are excellent. Not only do they know their stuff, but they explain it well and write everything legibly so that you can take useful notes. My Chem teacher also gives us one quiz a week; this is a good thing because I can see how well I'm doing before the big exams are given. One thing I've learned about myself since returning to school - strange as it seems, I actually *like* being tested. I like to know how well I am doing and one of the easiest qualifiable ways of doing so is testing. Whoda thunk? 27 January 04 Hee hee, I just came across this photo, taken back in September. 23 January 04 I just got home from my parents' house. Mom and I had to take Dad's dog to the vet to be put to sleep. Skimo was a Siberian Husky, and she would have been 13 next month. But in addition to her arthritis and hip problems, she had been suffering from an overactive thyroid for the past year. During this time she had lost a lot of weight and a lot of fur, and even with medication she was having a hard time coping with her disease. And in the last few days she had mostly stopped eating and didn't want to get up or walk. So Dad made that most difficult decision to take her in before the pain became too great. Since Dad has trouble with that sort of thing, I accompanied Mom and Skimo to the vet. She was given an overdose of anesthetic, and literally went to sleep; a sleep from which she will never awake. I was holding her head as she drifted off, and she was gone in less than a minute. R.I.P. Skimo. 22 January 04 My latest guilty pleasure has been home improvement shows - the ones where they remodel and/or redecorate a room, or someone's entire home. Of course, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy is the best. They're funny, have good decorating sense, and most importantly, the show is edited well. There are a lot of crap shows out there as well, but it's still fun to see how spaces can be improved. Plus, you get a lot of ideas about what not to do! P.S. to the straight guys out there: Chances are, unless your name is Ashley, it would behoove you to pay a little attention to Queer Eye ;) 21 January 04 I just had the most bizarre realization...I have a sister-in-law. My brother has been married for about 12 years, so that's not new information. The thing is, I don't particularly like him (long story, but he has a criminal history and has done too many negative things to my family), and we are not at all close. So I've always thought of his spouse as "my brother's wife". And then when I saw her name on something this morning, I suddenly thought, "Hey, I have a sister-in-law." Heh. 19 January 04 Yay, I am finally done painting the bathroom! Now the only problem is that I am all dirty and need a shower, but am unable to use the shower until the paint dries. I guess as long as I'm dressed in my messy work clothes I should occupy the next couple of hours with some other busy work. There is a lot more painting I want to do, but I have to remember to complete the current project before I move onto the next, else I'll never get anything finished. 14 January 04 Blah, I seem to have gotten myself into a weird mood. I'm not quite feeling depressed, but neither am I feeling good. Maybe it's best described as a wanting-to-wallow-in-low-self-esteem mood, or something. The morning started out fine. I watched a few things on Tivo, then assembled some shelving units to organize the closet. Now the shelves have been put together and there is debris all over the comforter (which needs to be washed), but I don't feel like finishing that stuff, or doing any cleaning or grocery shopping or anything. I just want to go sit downstairs, watch TV, and eat some lunch. 11 January 04 My Christmas present arrived on Friday! Frederick had noticed me drooling over the Apple Cinema Displays, and seeing how he is the bestest boyfriend in the world, I am now composing this on the largest monitor I have ever seen! And man, it is beautiful. I just have to be careful to not drool on it. I am mostly finished with the closet renovation. I've installed new clothes rods and shelves, patched the walls, and painted (and repainted) the whole thing. Tomorrow I'll put the clothes back in, and then I'll look at some finishing touches - additional shelves for sweaters and such, and some robe hooks. I'm now also about halfway through repainting the bathroom. It's amazing how much of a difference new paint can make. Now I think it's time to watch the Simpsons. 6 January 04 I just heard the streetcleaner go by and felt my heart race for a moment, even though I've already moved my car. Apparently the DPT elicits conditioned responses from its occasional victims. Today is the second "official" day of my unemployment. I am *SO* glad I don't have to go back to the soul-sucking job, but I am also constantly reminding myself that while I may not have a paying job, my free time is limited. Come next Thursday, I am going to have to learn to use my time at home to study, and not to do projects around the house. That's the one bad thing about working (whether it be school-work or job-work) at home - it's so easy to get distracted and you need to be very disciplined. Yesterday I went and picked up my books for school. I knew science texts were expensive, but over FOUR HUNDRED FRIGGIN' DOLLARS? My government book was $40, and the remaining $370 was spent on books for TWO CLASSES. Argh. Today I began renovating our bedroom closet. I just tore out the clothes rod and shelf, and now I need to learn how to repair plaster walls :) 2 January 04 It's over! I'm free! No more soul-sucking job! I think I shall celebrate with a drink (or three). 1 January 04 Today was a lazy day. I got up a little before noon, and the only "cooking" I did consisted of scrambling eggs and popping a frozen pizza in the oven. The hours between were spent watching a couple episodes of Stargate SG-1 and drinking beer. We had a nice New Year's Eve enjoying the generous hospitality of Susan and Ash. They rented a suite at the Clift Hotel, brought in a plethora of drinks and snacks, and invited a group of friends to ring in the new year with them. I am so happy to have such good friends, one of whom is the most incredible boyfriend, to celebrate with. 2003 was a good year for me, despite having the dark cloud of a sucky job hanging over my head. What stands out most for me is it was the year when my relationship with Frederick really took off. While 2003 may have been my best year to date for that reason, we have vowed to make 2004 even better, and because of that, I welcome the new year with open arms. Cheers, everyone, and have a wonderful year. | |||
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