online JOURNAL

29 March 05
Ahh, I am spending this week doing things for myself (with just a little bit of homework mixed in there). Yesterday was an über-lazy day as I sat around watching TV for hours on end, and had a nap with the cat in my lap.

Today I spent the afternoon downtown at the California Academy of Sciences. It was my first visit there since the Academy was moved out of Golden Gate Park, and due to space constraints they have significantly fewer exhibits now than they did before. (I'll be looking forward to when the new Academy opens in 2008, bigger and better than ever.) Needless to say I took a bunch of photos.

Tomorrow I'm taking off for a two-day mini-vacation consisting of a safari, hiking and whales. I will return with a photographic record of my travels.

24 March 05
One more class, then I'm off for over a week! I'll have some homework to do during that time, but I'm looking forward to it, nevertheless. Now the question is, what do I do with my time?

Sitting around, watching TV and eating the proverbial bon-bons can be fun...for a few hours. More than a day of that, though, and I go stir crazy. I need to keep busy. So I'm trying to decide if I should use that week to refinish the woodwork in the dining room and repaint the walls. It needs it badly and I haven't had the time to do it up until now. But it would eat up most of my week.

Other alternatives would be to spend my time out & about doing things - going to the Zoo, the Academy of Sciences, Point Reyes to see if I can spot any migrating whales, etc. (School resumes on my birthday, so any birthday treats I do for myself should happen next week.)

What to do, what to do. In the meantime, we're having a dinner party on Saturday so the next couple of days will be spent cooking and baking and stocking the liquor cabinet.

22 March 05
Demonstrating that I have apparently succumbed to the digitized music revolution, I recently bought an iPod Shuffle. The random music selection is great - I've been familiar with about half of what it has selected for me, so I am re-exploring my music collection. I load up some music, hang it around my neck, and "Pud" entertains me during my hour at the gym. Yesterday I ran for 1.5 miles (the furthest I've run since I was in really good shape, about three years ago) as my feet kept to the beat of the thumpy, crunchy music.

I am still working on ripping all of my CDs. I've probably got 200 or less to go. Yeah, I thought I would be finished with this project last year, and I probably would have, had I not set it aside for six months.

Saturday evening, while under the influence of margaritas, we watched a tape of videos recorded from MTV's "120 Minutes" during the mid-80s as I regaled (assailed?) Frederick with some of my Rock Star™ stories from years gone by. I've got hours of great videos from that era, and it's fun to go back and watch them every now and again.

Speaking of eras gone by, I saw Bauhaus is playing Coachella. Heh, and people say goth isn't mainstream nowadays!

16 March 05
During Microbiology class yesterday, the teacher, a 60-something year-old man, used the word "rimming". (He was discussing the transmission of intestinal flora to the mouth, thus causing disease.) He also talked about oral sex and scrotum licking, then said, "I see a lot of funny looks on the faces around the room." I was amused.

Last night in Algebra class, we received our grades from last week's test. I got my first-ever perfect score on a college test - 100%! Yay me!

Spring break starts after next week. This means we're just about halfway through the semester. It's almost all downhill from here.

13 March 05
Wow, what a fun day! For Xmas, I promised Susan I'd take her horseback riding, and today our schedules and the weather were finally in agreement, so off to Half Moon Bay we went. We set out South from the stable along a marshy grasslands area, where we saw a falcon* hunt and catch a small black mouse. After fording a stream and convincing the horses it was okay to walk through some muddy areas, we headed down to the beach and cantered along the sand. Eventually we came across a large, dead sea lion which really has no bearing on the story, but I'll mention it anyway.

[Me & my horse sticking her tongue out.] [Susan on her horse.]

As it turned out, Susan's dad and his wife were spending the weekend there in Half Moon Bay. After returning our horses, we drove down and met them for brunch at the Ritz-Carleton. It was kinda funny sitting there drinking champagne cocktails while wearing jeans and muddy riding boots. (Champagne + Chambord = Super Yum.)

Now my butt is sore from riding, my face is sunburned because I forgot to wear sunscreen, and I'm tired, but quite happy :)

* I'm not too good on bird identification. This bird was very falcon-like with a white patch on the back at the base of the tail, and dark bars on the tail. I don't think it was a peregrine, but I don't know what other falcons we have around here.

7 March 05
Maybe I have too much time on my hands, but I just updated my website.

I re-scanned the photos from my Fiji trip, because the old versions were small and hard to see.

And I added a bunch of band photos from years back, when I used to do a lot of concert photography:
U2
Front 242
Front Line Assembly
Grotus
Love & Rockets
Peter Murphy
The Mission

6 March 05
I like the word dichotomy. I think it describes me well. I like the ocean and the mountains; the city and the country; nature and technology; classical music and thrash metal; tofu and filet mignon. I've been told that am a very "together" person, but I don't always feel that way. In true dichotomic fashion, I also often feel as though I'm just on the verge of completely coming apart at the seams.

Is it normal to walk the knife edge? Most of the time I am at least content, if not quite happy. Then a switch in my mind will trip and I'm teetering on the edge there. I don't know exactly what trips that switch. Sure, sometimes it's a hormonal thing, but in almost all cases it's something my mind has twisted around or blown out of proportion.

Why is it that your mind always wants to sabotage itself?

My social life is a dichotomy as well. Over the past dozen years I have swung from recluse to social butterfly, and am heading back to recluse again. When I was in full-on social butterfly mode was also the same time I was out at clubs two or three or five nights a week. I was even known to *gasp* go up to strangers and initiate conversations! But even back then I was scared to hang out with people who weren't involved in the music/club scene. For some reason I thought without that in common, we wouldn't have anything to talk about, and I didn't have enough faith in myself to survive a conversation without that to fall back upon.

I'm doing much better today in that regard. I regularly hang out with friends and don't talk about clubs! But I've noticed something else about my social habits - I'm sometimes almost afraid to participate in social activities. I'm not "afraid" as in true fear or even anxiety, but it's more like I'll sometimes avoid social situations that don't contain at least a few people I know reasonably well. It's just easier that way - I won't have to think about conversations or run out of things to say, and I won't get stuck alone with no one to talk to because I can't think of anything to say.

There are often friends and acquaintances I'd like to get to know better, but I just can't get up the courage to do anything about it. And while it would be nice for someone to invite me out for the same reason, I'm secretly relieved that they don't. It's easier this way.

3 March 05
I'm sitting here doing my microbiology homework. Right now we're studying the chapter on Microbial Genetics. I'm reading about mutations and mutants and I keep hoping to turn the page and read about big slimy monsters. I see "mutant" and automatically think "zombie!", but alas, there is nothing here about zombies. Instead I get:

Silent mutations commonly occur when one nucleotide is substituted for another in the DNA, especially at a location corresponding to the third position of the mRNA codon.

*yawn* Where are the monsters?

28 February 05
On Saturday, Frederick and I took a nice drive down the coast on Highway 1, turned inland at Pescadero, and looped back via Highway 84. As we headed east on Pescadero Creek Road, I stopped the car to take a picture of a house. The property was nestled along a burbling creek in a beautifully scented Coastal Redwood forest - a very "California" setting. But the best part was the hillside near the house - it was simply covered with pink flamingoes. Excellent.

On Sunday, I took a nice walk to look at some open houses because, hey, when else can you snoop around a stranger's house? A remodeled house on Noe Street with a view of downtown and the Bay won massive cool points because it had a hidden room behind a bookcase.

Frederick and I both love living in San Francisco. I love the beauty of the city, the hills, and especially the ocean. I pretend not to notice the homeless people or the urine-soaked alleys or the high cost of living. I wish I didn't notice the crappy weather. But the real reason I put up with the bad, the reason I live here and not anywhere else in the States is the openness that exists here.

Yes, SF isn't perfect, but it is the most accepting place I've experienced. Here you can have funny-colored hair, non-vanilla non-heterosexual propensities, worship whomever you like (or no one at all) - in short, you can be yourself - and it's okay. I thought I'd never leave here, but lately we've been toying with the idea of eventually living elsewhere.

As much as we love The City, there's only so much fog, lack of parking and sharing walls with the next-door neighbor one can take. The suburbs are just not an option. However, especially after seeing the Flamingo House, retiring to a mountainous retreat is sounding better and better. Especially if that little retreat is less than an hour from downtown SF, where you can buy a house on several acres of land for the same price as a decent (but not fancy) house here. Then we can build our own secret room behind a bookcase.

27 February 05
I love to cook. I especially love baking, but that's because I especially love baked goods. I think I'm a decent cook as well; you've heard the adage "Never trust a skinny cook"? Well, it's okay, you can trust me.

I've been doing a lot more (mostly) vegan cooking lately. I've got some favourite dishes, like the beer-spiked chipotle chili with kidney & black beans that's simmering downstairs right now. [I'm still trying to find a great cornbread recipe to accompany it; clearly, more experimentation is required.] But it's more difficult to cook vegan meals, and it really doesn't have to do with the set of ingredients you're limited to. We're brought up to think of a "meal" as a meat main dish accompanied by a few vegetables on the side of the plate, and maybe a salad. So when an omnivore attempts to cook like an herbivore, you automatically try to build your meals around a meat-like main course. I think I just need to get better at designing meals around a few tasty dishes and not worry so much about the "main" dish.

Now I'm hungry!

27 February 05
This isn't really a co-dependent relationship; it's more like unrequited love. But unlike most relationships of that sort, it's actually beneficial for me to stay involved here. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to do so when you get nothing tangible in return. Oh sure, some might argue that if I were more dedicated to this relationship I would get more in return, but given the laws of interia, I am unable to give as much as I'd like.

Oh Gym, why do you have to be so unforgiving!

25 February 05
Hrm, I seem to be in a depressive funk. I can't even blame it on hormones. I'm meeting a friend tonight whom I haven't seen in awhile, so maybe that will snap me out of it.

24 February 05
Ten things I have done that most of you have not:

0) Stole a horse from the local boarding stable for a ride, then put it back when I was done.
1) Had a pet chicken while growing up in the suburbs.
2) Worked on cattle round-ups.
3) Opened for Nine Inch Nails.
4) Petted an electric ray. And didn't get shocked.
5) Flew to Germany to visit a friend I had never before met in person.
6) Was stopped and questioned by a Russian soldier while walking near the Kremlin.
7) Attained my Divemaster certification, from two different agencies nonetheless.
8) Lost a shoe while traipsing through the jungle in Belize.
9) Held a human heart in my hand.

17 February 05
I've spent the last couple of days (plus a night of school- and biology-related dreams) thinking about which direction to take in school, and I've decided to stick with my original goal.

If I look only at which field I enjoy the most, I'd pick Zoology over Nursing. But when I look at the classes I'd need to take to get that Zoology degree I'd have a solid year of Chemistry, Physics and Calculus. I certainly wouldn't mind studying those subjects, but studying all three at once, for a year straight, is pretty daunting. As far as Zoology jobs after graduation, well, if I loved what I was doing then I wouldn't be too concerned with the salary I was making. However, if there was no work available that I was interested in, then that wouldn't be much fun.

On the other hand, I can continue on my current path and obtain the Biology minor along with my B.S. in Nursing. That way I would still be able to take the Zoology classes I want, get the Nursing degree, plus I'd have some sort of Biology degree should I ever decide to work with animals. When it comes right down to it, I'd still be learning the Bio stuff I want, and that's really what I care about.

And wow, maybe I can begin taking those Zoology classes in Fall.

15 February 05
As soon as I am finished procrastinating here, I will study for this evening's Algebra test, the first of the semester. It shouldn't be a problem because (and you can file this under "Things You Never Thought You'd Hear Gina Say") it's all pretty easy stuff; it's just a matter of remembering what operation to do first, and not making silly arithmetic errors in the meantime.

I've been paying attention to my moods regarding school, and I'm seeing a wide variety of emotions. I'll alternate between feeling slightly panicked and overwhelmed by the amount of info I'm expected to remember, then swing over to thinking I'm on top of it all and this isn't so bad. When I'm feeling overwhelmed I begin fantasizing about taking Summer semester off (three whole months of freedom, woo!), and when I'm feeling okay then I want to learn more, more, more. I seem to have decided to go for the Minor in Biology, as well.

My situation has changed in the past few years, and because of that my reasons for going back to school have shifted as well. My main goal now is to attain a Bachelor's degree, just to prove to myself that I can do it. I am interested in Nursing, but from a biological point of view. I'm not really interested in working with people per se, which is why the thought of working in an ER or trauma unit appeals to me - I can be involved with the situation at hand, work on what needs to be done, then move on to the next patient. I am pretty fascinated with how we work and how we're put together, so in that respect I am interested in Nursing.

But all my life I've loved zoology and animal behaviour. I could change the focus of my studies and go for a B.S. in Zoology, and then work at the Zoo, the Steinhart Aquarium, or even the Marine Mammal Center. I could get paid for working with animals! I am a little scared of this option because I would need to take even more math, chemistry & physics courses, so I'd essentially be starting over. It would take me about three years of full-time science & math classes, and that seems a little overwhelming. But hey, I'm looking at about three more years of classes from this point out anyway, so...

Maybe I should go speak with an advisor at SFSU.

11 February 05
I love sharks. In fact, part of the reason I learned to dive was so I could see sharks up close, in the wild. So it makes sense that I've taken three separate trips to dive the area around La Paz, Baja California, which is famous for its schooling scalloped hammerhead sharks. During the day, the sharks congregate near El Bajo seamount, 80-120' down.

Sharks are not very plentiful. The locals working on our dive boat said that fishermen had really depleted the numbers of sharks in the area. I only saw one hammerhead during my first trip to La Paz, and that was at the end of the last dive on the last day. But, during my second trip in 1998, we ended up smack dab in the middle of about eight hammerheads! I was thrilled as these were one of my favourite species, and I saw a group of them all together!

I recently read The Secret Life of Sharks by A. Peter Klimley, Ph.D. Klimley is a world-renowned shark expert, and this book, instead of simply describing shark physiology and behaviour, talks about the actual work and experiments he did over the course of a dozen or two years. In particular, he tells about the white shark research he did around the Farallon Islands here, and his studies on scalloped hammerheads at the El Bajo seamounts in the Sea of Cortez.

It was exciting to read about him doing research at places I had dived! He was at El Bajo in the late 70s and early 80s, and the book describes schools of hundreds of hammerheads; a population so thick they would block out the sunlight as they passed overhead. He also mentioned how he would obtain dissection subjects from the plethora of sharks caught by the local fisherman.

In the last chapter of his book, Klimley talks about returning to El Bajo in September of 1998, and diving to revisit the sharks. He made dive after dive and saw no sharks, until finally they came across eight hammerheads. Most likely the same eight I had seen a month or two prior. Eight left out of a population exceeding 500.

I wonder if there are any left today?

7 February 05
The good teachers I have had in the past have told us to "learn the information; don't memorize it." My current Microbiology teacher tells us to memorize everything. Take that for what it's worth.

I am lousy at memorization. What good is it to have your head filled with terms if you don't really know what they mean? It's useless for me to commit random strings of information to memory because if there is no relationship between the stored info and the real-life scenario, then how will I use it? Instead, I need to be able to somehow understand what is happening and why, and only then will that sequence of events stick in my brain.

Right now I'm trying to figure out the reason for the naming of oxidation and reduction reactions. I'm fine with what's going on there, with the reactions themselves. I'm just wondering why something is called "oxidation" when there's no O2 involved, and why the other thing is a "reduction" when it's actually gaining an electron. This is the sort of thing I have difficulty remembering because it doesn't make sense.

2 February 05
Seen today, in passing:

The 70-ish year old woman with long white hair and a Parkinson's-like tic, dressed in Eighties style clothing complete with black velvet pants that had "Fetish" embroidered on the back pocket.

The 30-something man purposefully striding down the sidewalk, carrying a pattern of blue-black tattoo lines upon his face.

2 February 05
As I sit here once again procrastinating before starting my homework (word problems, whee) I looked out the window and saw a lady on her way to work. She was wearing a coat, gloves, skirt and nylons. It's cold enough out for her to wear gloves, yet her legs are practically uncovered. I just don't understand women's clothes.

In order to conform to some version of fashion, women are required to wear such things as dresses or skirts (with or without nylons) and teeter atop delicate strappy shoes. Even in winter, at least in a snow-less climate such as our own, women run around wearing basically nothing from the waist down. How do they stay warm?

And don't even get me started on shoes. Shoes which have high, narrow heels and leave most of your foot exposed to the elements. Shoes which throw your back and spine out of alignment, distort the shape of your feet, leave you unstable, and just plain leave you cold and uncomfortable. Shoes which render you unable to dash for a bus or run from danger.

Why do women do it? Why don't they just put their comfortable shoe-clad foot down and say "no" to a sadistic fashion trend? I just don't understand.

1 February 05
I am a bad, bad scuba diver. It's been over a year since I last went diving, and going on three years since I worked as a divemaster. I recently renewed my divemaster certifications, but only as "inactive" as I'm not currently . I recently renewed my divemaster certifications, but only as "inactive" as I'm not currently carrying liability insurance. (You need the liability insurance in order to work as a divemaster, but I didn't bother to renew mine when it expired as I don't really have the time to do that sort of work right now.)

I need to do something about this. A trip where I could do several dives a day for several days in a row would be ideal, and I'm looking into that. In the meantime, I need to get my neoprene-clad butt down to Monterey in the near future.

Oddly, as much as I love diving and being in the water, I hate being wet when I'm out of the water. I cannot stand walking around with wet hair, and I even take a hair dryer with me on tropical vacations to avoid that. And when taking a shower, I dry myself off completely before even stepping out of the shower.

31 January 05
I'm back in school, and think I may be facing my most difficult semester yet. I'm only taking two (four unit) classes, but two weeks into the semester I'm already spending 10 or 12 hours a week on homework. It's only going to get worse, isn't it?

One of my classes is Intermediate Algebra, and I'm almost ashamed to admit that because I feel it's a remedial class. Don't most people get up to trigonometry or calculus in high school? I did take algebra and geometry in high school, but that was back when we were still riding around on mastadons and I had since forgotten it all, hence the refresher course I took over the summer.

My other class is Microbiology, which several people have said will be the hardest class I will take. To double the suckage, the only available section when I registered was with the crappy teacher. And to add to that, I'm not really interested in microbiology; my interests lie in macro stuff. I'm trying to tell myself that learning about bacteria and disease epidemics will be neat, but I don't have a lot of faith. But I have to do well because I don't want my GPA to suffer.

Now it's time to read more about the exciting world of prokaryotes, whee!

27 January 05
Taking a cue from a friend's post, I wanted to write about this.

Today is the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the concentration camp at Auschwitz.

To most people I'm sure concentration camps are just an unpleasant detail mentioned in history books and television documentaries. It's so easy to ignore atrocities, especially when they happened two generations ago and seven thousand miles away. I suppose I felt that way as well, until one summer morning when Angela, Adam and I found ourselves in Poland, staring at the ovens which cremated over one million people.

I wrote a little about that experience after it happened, but I was never able to find the words to describe what happened to me after visiting Auschwitz. It had a profund and life-changing effect on me. Even today I find myself reading books and watching shows about the concentration camps, as much to learn more about what happened as to not forget about it.

If you ever find yourself in or near Poland, go visit Auschwitz. You won't regret it, and you will certainly never forget it.

14 January 05
It's true - the squeaky wheel gets the grease. But what about the other wheels who roll along, carrying their load without complaint?

For years I've had issues with mediocre people receiving attention and accolades simply because they spent a lot of time tooting their own horn. Just because one is loud or outspoken doesn't make one good at what they do. And similarly, just because one whines and complains often means they get special treatment. Why is that? Why don't others see beyond that smokescreen of invented importance?

This makes me upset because I am someone who tries to both excel at what I do, and live my life without inconveniencing others. I try to be low maintenance, and I trust that my accomplishments and my inner self will speak for themselves. But over the years I've found this rarely happens. People in general don't want to be bothered with the complexities of subtlety, but would rather have information handed to them on a silver platter. Nevermind that the platter is covered in garbage. (For a good example of this, look at the general American public - they believe what they hear on the network news, and what they're told by people in charge without ever looking at less biased sources.)

So what do I do about myself? I don't want to sit around, just accepting the second-class treatment I sometimes get. But neither do I want to become an attention-seeking, high-maintenance princess who forces people to bend to her will. All I want is to be appreciated for who I am, without having to remind people to do so. And I don't know how to make that happen.

12 January 05
As this is my last week of freedom before Spring semester starts, I am trying to finish up all of those projects I had slated for my break. The big project was to refinish the woodwork in and then repaint the entryway. Now the woodwork is done, but I'm still slathering the wall in paint, attempting to make it look good.

This is my first time painting a wall red, and I'm sure glad I was warned about it - red paint is notoriously translucent and takes many coats to cover a wall. I just applied the third coat this morning and I'll probably need two more. It's going to take a full gallon of paint to do a section of wall about 7 x 16 feet; for comparision, a gallon will usually cover an entire room.

I think I'll head to the gym now while the paint dries, then do some more stuff around the house.

10 January 05
I flew to LA this weekend, met up with some friends, and finally saw the Body Worlds (Körperwelten) exhibit. (For those who haven't yet heard of it, it is an anatomy exhibit featuring plastinated human bodies.) It was simply amazing, and I cannot say enough good things about it.

There are at least 200 specimens, ranging from cross-sections of organs and bodies to complete organ systems to whole bodies displayed in a variety of active, lifelike poses. It is incredible to be able to see so many anatomical examples up close; I really wish I had been able to see this exhibit while I was studying anatomy as viewing these specimens really helps with the learning process.

My favourite exhibits are the rearing horse and rider, with the rider holding his brain in one hand and the horse's brain in another, and the reclining pregnant woman with an 8 month fetus still inside her uterus. For someone like me who is fascinated with anatomy and leans toward the macabre, it doesn't get much better than this.

I was quite happy to see that not only was the exhibition crowded, there were a lot of families there who had brought their children. I was just as happy that I didn't overhear any negative comments, save for the occasional person who was a little grossed out. I even saw some schoolkids completing test questions based on the specimens. Yay for overcoming the stigma of human death and encouraging knowledge!

7 January 05
I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking about siblings. Yes, I technically have a sibling (a brother, 2 years younger than I) but I don't really like the sort of person he is and I never talk to him, save for brief courtesies when he shows up to family events every few years.

As teenager I always wanted an older sister. Someone to show me how to put on makeup and explain to me some of the nuances of social life it took me so long to discover on my own. I keep thinking my adolescent life would have been easier had I footsteps to follow in, although I'm sure that's just wishful thinking.

Having a sibling with whom you are on good terms means having an automatic friend. Someone you can talk to when you feel chatty, and lean on if need be. And more importantly, you have a lifelong companion following you into old age. I see that as the biggest loss - one less person to sit in the rocking chair next to you on the porch, reminiscing about the good ol' days.

3 January 05
I am always trying to improve myself, and eliminate those things in myself with which I am not happy. Unfortunately it's sometimes difficult to see the negatives in oneself. (I find it a little too easy to find faults in others, but that's a subject for another time.) A few years ago I did an exercise to address this very topic - identifying the unfavourable bits of my personality, then working to eliminate them - but, sadly, I was unable to come up with anything at the time.

There is something that rears its ugly head now and again that I am not happy with. I feel that at times I can be too domineering and controlling. This is something I do not do on purpose, but rather, I seem to notice it after the fact, as I process a particular situation in my head. Part of it manifests as a "Devil's Advocate" streak, where, without thinking of how my actions might be interpreted, I find weakness and shortcomings in the ideas of others.

Despite what it may seem like, I don't do things like this to be rude, controlling, or to make myself seem better by belittling others. My thoughts instead are to help and contribute information, but I'm sure that others might not recognize them as such.

I need to learn to adjust my behaviour so that I do not come across the wrong way.

2 January 05
Reflections on a year gone by...

2004 has been the best year of my life to date. It may not have been a bullet point list of accomplishments, but last year was more like a conglomeration - so many wants, needs and desires gelling together and solidifying as my life.

I alternate through stages of personal evolution, each of which can last months or maybe even years. Sometimes I'm in a period of intense growth where I learn and discover new things about myself and how I fit into this world; other times I'm in a period of latency as I learn to incorporate this newfound knowledge.

Right now I'm in a latent period, but by no means am I inactive. So much happened to my life during 2003 that I am still working on getting used to it all and making sure I don't mess anything up. I need to be mentally and emotionally secure with with myself and my life up to this point before I'm ready for another "growth spurt".

Last night I realized that I had reached that invisible, undefinable goal. I'm not sure when I passed it, but I suddenly found myself knowing things were secure, and wanting more.