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This journal is mirrored at g-na.livejournal.com/, where it is open for comments. Older entries... Current October-December 2009 July-September 2009 April-June 2009 January-March 2009 October-December 2008 July-September 2008 April-June 2008 January-March 2008 October-December 2007 July-September 2007 April-June 2007 January-March 2007 October-December 2006 July-September 2006 April-June 2006 January-March 2006 October-December 2005 July-September 2005 April-June 2005 January-March 2005 October-December 2004 July-September 2004 April-June 2004 January-March 2004 October-December 2003 July-September 2003 April-June 2003 January-March 2003 October-December 2002 July-September 2002 April-June 2002 January-March 2002 October-December 2001 July-September 2001 April-June 2001 January-March 2001 October-December 2000 July-September 2000 April-June 2000 January-March 2000  |
30 March 01 It's late afternoon here in Cambridge and my friends back home are just starting to wake up. Eventually it will be time for me to go to sleep, and when I awake it will then be their bedtime. Time is funny. I am missing my friends. Tomorrow I head down to London, and I'll have a full 24 hours there to wander before my vacation ends and I head home. Although I am somewhat looking forward to going home, I'm not too keen on jumping back into "real life" and going to work on Monday. I know that all too soon this will be a distant memory. I must enjoy it while I can. I went wandering around Cambridge today, enjoying the beautiful English spring day! Realized about halfway through that I had forgotten my camera, so I'll go out for another walk tomorrow before I leave and take some photos. What's in store for me once I arrive home? I guess I won't know until I get there, eh? Maybe the answer to my dreams? Definitely my unfiled tax forms. 28 March 01 I am now sitting in front of Susan's Ruby iMac here in Cambridge, looking out at the river and at the ducks paddling and preening. Susan left for the States this morning; unfortunately she had to go back early for a funeral. I am alone in her & Ashley's flat here in England. I've had a very good, full and insightful vacation so far. Up until now, I've been a tourist - seeing the sights and attempting to quickly take in the big picture before running off towards the next point of interest. That's fine for what it is; it allows me to see the beauty in things which may otherwise be passed over simply because "everyone else" wants to see them. But more importantly, through the course of the past two weeks I've learned (noticed? started to pay attention to?) some things about myself. A lot of my life has been spent chasing rainbows, looking for the greener grass. Those searches have led me to a multitude of wonderful places and experiences which I may not have otherwise had. They have helped to shape me into what I think is a better, more worldly, wiser, and altogether happier person. But as the song says, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. What am I looking for? That is the super-bonus question. How can I find it, how can I search for my dream if I don't know what my dream is? I'm enjoying the journey but there is no destination in sight. I do have a goal of one day living (for a time) in another country, but that is not my dream. The easy answer is, my dream is happiness. The difficult answer, the one which I haven't yet been able to figure out, is what will make me happy? I want to be loved and accepted unconditionally, and to be secure in that feeling. I think that's it. I still don't know what I want to do *with* my life, but that is another question. I think. I have four more days here in England before I head back home to "real life". A lot of time alone, a lot of time to think. Really alone, save for this Internet connection, but I'm not lonely. Part of me wants to spend the time relaxing here in the flat and taking advantage of the fact I have nothing to do and no obligations for a few days. Part of me feels ashamed to be hiding in the apartment while there is a whole city, no!, a whole country out there for me to explore and to get to know. In reality i will probably do some loafing and some wandering; I'm thinking of going to London on Saturday and spending the day and night there, before heading home. Yeah, I think I will do that. It will be good for me. 13 March 01 Many thoughts in my head. Many things to do in such a short time. Procrastination. Curiosity. Adventure. Thought. Very soon I will be leaving to meet up with Susan in Europe. Although the reason Susan and I are travelling together is because my original plans suddenly became undesirable, I am looking forward to taking this trip with her. We've vacationed together before, but always in a group of people - this will be our first holiday alone, and that will give us a whole lot of time to talk to one another. And I'm sure we'll have lots to talk about as she and I haven't seen much of each other the last few months. And I know I have a lot of things in my head that I want to discuss with Susan. Last night I saw the movie Baraka. It pushed me even further into my "travel and see the world because there is so much out there" mode. I've been talking to others about their experiences in other countries. I'm ready. Okay, now it's time to get ready for bed. 8 March 01 I am turning into a hermit. I am making no effort to go out of the house. I am extremely content to sit here with my computer, listening to pretty much the same two cds over and over and over, and occasionally doing some reading. I'll eventually become both social and saturated with these cds, but in the meantime, I'm happy. I do, in fact, have plans to be out of the house a lot in the very near future. Maybe that's why I am trying to spent a lot of time at home right now - enjoying it while I can. Believe it or not, I've been meeting people without going out. I've met a few really cool people this week alone. Such is the wonder of the Internet. I don't understand why some people are so scared of the idea of meeting people online; you interact with a much larger variety of people than you would at a singles bar, for example. And you get to actually *talk* and have conversations with all sorts of people. I like it. 3 March 01 I have two addictions. One is caffeine, which I require on a daily basis lest I get headaches and never completely wake up. The other is the Internet, specifically email and IRC. If I'm at work, or at home and not doing anything else, I am online. But oddly enough, if I leave the country on vacation, I no longer feel the compelling urge to be online and communicate with others in the ether. If I'm in another country, I am trying to escape the US. I am trying to immerse myself in a different culture, a different way of life. To transplant my life into that situation is not an escape. Escape. Right now I am very content with spending time alone at home. It's raining and I have no desire to go out. I've even had the stereo off, although music from my current favourite album has been going through my head all day. I want to redesign my website, but I currently have no ideas. This is a slow process, as it takes me quite awhile to find and settle on a style and design, and then it takes just as long to redesign the entire thing. 2 March 01 I have this one particular friend, whom I saw earlier tonight. I think this person is completely wonderful - intelligent, interesting, similar frame of mind, and generally a good person. I have every reason to believe this person thinks just as highly of me. Because they're a friend, maybe even a good friend, and because we enjoy spending time with one another and talking for hours, I want to spend more time with this person. There are so many things I want to talk about, and several conversations I would like to finish. But they never make an effort to spend time with me; do they have difficulty expressing feelings? It is emotionally draining to be in this situation, to make futile attempts to hang out, to not see them. I can't continue being the one to always make contact. And they're leaving town soon. I'll miss you J. 27 February 01 There has been something nagging away at the back of my mind for awhile now, I think I may have just identified what it is. It's that whole "What Am I Doing With My Life" thing. What am I accomplishing? Where am I going? I am enjoying my life right now, but what is this all leading up to? Am I going to wake up in five or ten years and be in basically the same situation - working during the day and playing with friends at night? And if that is the case, is it a bad thing? If I am enjoying my life, is it bad? Will it get boring? I need to take a good, hard look at things now and possibly make a preemptive strike. So what to do from here? Sit down and think, basically. Figure out what I want to be doing with my job over the next one, three, five, ten years. Take into consideration the fun things I like to do - diving, travelling, etc., and make sure I always have time for those. Spend time on personal development. And of course, leave an out for myself should I ever choose to ditch all those plans because something better came up! 22 February 01 Five loads, 27 pairs of socks, and many quarters later, I now have clean laundry! I hate doing laundry, so I put it off as long as possible. There have been times when I've even gone out and purchased more socks so I could put off laundry just a little bit longer. But now I've actually done my laundry, yay! Aren't you happy for me? ;) Back on January 4, I mentioned a particular goal I had hoped to accomplish. I wasn't able to accomplish my exact goal; turns out circumstances wouldn't allow it. But I did seem to get the boobie prize. Is all that good or bad? I don't know. You know the saying, "Be careful what you wish for because you might get it." So anyway...This past month has flown by. Susan was home from England for awhile and we got to spend time together, but now she's gone again :( At the end of January a bunch of us from the Bay Area (Brian & Jen, Wendy, Mike, Kevin & Jennie, Tuan, Zuad & Mike, Monnia & Steve, and I) went to LA where we met up with Renee, Bob, Don, Galen, and Tim (who had flown in from Germany) to surprise Rob for his 30th birthday. [photos!] We succeeded with surprising him on Friday night, and on Saturday the bunch of us went to Miyagi's restaurant/bar/crazy place on Sunset Blvd. to celebrate his actual birthday. 'Twas a blast! And man, I've never had a more insane or a more fun drive home from LA! The following weekend, Brian & Jen had a party at their place - OrgaRave the Sequel, exactly one year after the previous one. Most of the group from the past weekend were in attendance, plus David & Jen and Greg. Much fun was had by all. After that, John & I saw a couple of shows - Pantera and In A Perfect Circle; the next weekend Jonathan & I took a drive to Sacramento to meet up with David, Jen & Evan for a Din_Fiv show. It was classic! None of us knew what the show was going to be like until we arrived at the venue. It turned out that the show was being held in a goth/industrial club at a bowling alley! Bowling downstairs, meeting room upstairs. It was the kind of place that probably also does wedding receptions. We enjoyed it for what it was, because frankly, we couldn't do much else! I started working with another scuba class but then came down with this stupid cold. I'll need to get some other classes scheduled as soon as I get better to make up for it. How am I doing? I'm doing okay. Life is pretty stable right now. I'm spending time with good friends and of course that makes me happy. I've got my trip to Europe coming up pretty quickly. Speaking of, I suppose I should start making a list of what I need to do prior to leaving (taxes!) so that I don't forget anything. Right now, I'm gonna go scan in some photos. I should do the dishes as well, but they may have to wait a little longer. 20 February 01 Ooh yeah, it's been almost a month. Oops. I really have been *so* busy this past month. I'd love to write about where I've been and what I've done, but I don't have the time right now :) Hopefully that will change in the next couple of days. I have a bunch of photos I want to scan and put up as well, so please hang tight! Right now I've got the lovely cold that seems to be making its way around town. I took it easy all weekend in an attempt to get better, but the sad thing is it's causing me to cancel my dive plans for this coming weekend - you can't dive with head & ear congestion lest you suffer great pain and blow out your eardrums. 22 January 01 I probably don't talk enough about music, considering how much it means to me. In my pre-teen/early teenage years I just loved listening to Top 40 on the radio. At about age 13 or 14, I started DJing! A friend's older brother had set up a radio station at the house, and it broadcast out on the local cable system. I did a bunch of shows there and got my introduction to some punk and the true underground scene. During my teenage years I was pretty much a metalhead, although I also listened to some prog rock. A good friend was a drummer, and largely because of him I developed a love and appreciation for quality musicianship which I still have today. I moved from metal & hard rock over to new wave, and then onto "alternative" (back when that word really meant something) which morphed into dirge, gothic & industrial. I loved the music but didn't really have any musical talent, so I involved myself in as many other ways as possible - promoting bands, working in college radio, spinning in dance clubs, interviewing bands, writing for music publications and doing live and promo photography. I stayed in the goth/industrial scene for a whole lot of years, and was so arrogant about the music I listened to that I convinced myself I did not want to listen to other genres. A few years ago I decided I actually liked techno, and that pushed me into the rave and trance scenes. And although I've been listening to bits & pieces of metal over the past several years, it's been during the past several months that I have been really been getting back into it. I guess I've come full circle. Today I'm just as likely to be listening to Slayer as I am Hallucinogen or Funker Vogt or U2 or even Tchaikovsky. I've stopped *not* listening to something because it's a different genre. But at the same time, music is still a central, extremely meaningful and powerful part of my life. When I say I really like a song/band/album, I mean I *really* *really* like it! It touches me somewhere deep inside; it is a true passion. My current obsession is metal...I'm pretty sure what I listen to is thrash metal. Fear Factory has been at the top of "my favourite bands" list for the past couple of years. In fact, I just saw them again last night! They're touring prior to their new album being released (it comes out April 24) so we were treated to four or six brand new songs in addition to a host of older ones! Whenever I see Fear Factory, I have to get up close to the stage where all of the energy is. I've tried watching them while standing on the proverbial sidelines, but it just doesn't work. I am too into their music to sit around and simply watch. So I push my way up and hang out with everyone else who is *really* into the music! My only complaint was that they only played for an hour - there were four opening bands, so I guess that didn't leave FF with as much time for their set. Two more weeks and I get to see Pantera again! 20 January 01 Ack! Too many things I want to do right *now*! I want to write this. I want to write some other stuff. I want to listen to a couple of Metallica albums ("Master..." and "Ride...") on headphones with my eyes closed. I want to go to bed and get a good night's rest. I want to soak in a nice hot bath and relax after skiing all day today. Skiing! Jonathan and I spent the day at Alpine Meadows, and it was a really good day! Last week's storms dumped one to two feet of snow on the mountain, and they got another inch the day before we went. There weren't very many people (only twice did we wait in a lift line for more than a couple of minutes), and the weather was clear and sunny. I *love* skiing, and I'm getting to be a pretty decent skier! I had a great day - the last time I went up, John was giving me some pointers so that I could learn to carve my turns better. I started putting those into practice, and I think I'm doing something right because all of a sudden, my turns seem smoother, and at the same time, I seem to be moving faster and feeling more comfortable. Alpine has some great places where you can head off the wide runs and go through trees and down steeper, narrower, cooler paths, and I was doing quite a bit of that! And of course I finished off the day with four or five runs through the terrain park, hitting a bunch of jumps. Heh heh heh, when I grow up, I want to be able to ski as well as some of those eight-year-olds you see tearing up the slopes ;) 17 January 01 Well, I guess it's actually January 18, seeing as it's after Midnight. But I can't get to sleep. That's very odd for me as I love to sleep, and if I had the time, I would sleep about nine hours a night. Oh but wait! Come morning I will be *tired* and not wanting to get up, even more than usual! I am *not* a morning person. Friends. My friends are the only thing that keep me somewhat sane. I value my friendships so much, and I try to let people know that because I want them to feel liked and appreciated. I've got a handful of close friends, and there are quite a few other people whom I know pretty good but would like to really be able to consider them close, as I think they are very special people. One thing that's fairly new for me is having a number of good female friends. This certainly always hasn't been the case; growing up, from grammar school until about six years ago, I didn't have many friends, and I never had many female friends. Often the female friends I did have were "short-lived". We would seem to be developing a close friendship and hang out for a number of months, maybe a year or two, then we would drift off our separate directions and never again see one another. Part of why I now like to tell friends they are so liked and appreciated is so that they know they are not taken for granted. All my life I've been one of those girls who usually had more guy friends than girl friends. No, it's not that guys are anywhere near perfect, nor can they understand or relate to things based on the XX chromosome, but it seems like in general, there are fewer games and less competition going on with male friendships. And I've recently realized that the good female friends I have are usually also the types of girls who often have quite a number of guy friends. I certainly do not get along with "those" kinds of girls - they're hard to describe, but in general, they were the cheerleaders in high school and they're grown up to be overly image-conscious, and often they use their bodies to attract the attention of others, with no regard for actual friendships. I don't like that. I like people who are real. 4 January 01 Okay, I'm surviving the New Year pretty well so far. New Year's Eve was spent at a party at (my ex-) Mike's house with John, Raph, Jordy, and a bunch of other friends. I had a pretty good time, and eventually made it home somewhere around 6am. New Year's Day itself didn't really exist for me as I slept most of the following 26 hours. Heh heh. So, do I have any New Year's resolutions? Nah. I feel the same way about resolutions as I do about Xmas & birthday presents - if I want to make a resolution or buy a present I just do it, I don't wait for a particular day. Back in November I made the following decisions/resolutions: 1) to start going to the gym again and get back into shape for ski season, 2) to move further towards my Divemaster certification, and 3) to travel to Europe at least once next spring. Well, 1) I'm still going to the gym regularly and my legs have already survived a couple days of skiing, 2) I've finished working with one of the three classes I need to assist in order to complete my Divemaster training, and I'm scheduled to work with another in February, and 3) I've got plane tickets for one (so far) trip to Europe. Things are going according to plan. There are two other personal things that I don't want to write about here - one decision I've made and one new goal I have - which I'm going to work on. I'll report back and, depending how things work out, I may disclose a little more information there. Keep your fingers crossed for me; the new goal would be very good and very good for me, should I be able to attain it :) What else? I've been thinking about keeping a list of goals for myself, and seeing how many I can accomplish. Some goals I've achieved so far have been:
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