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24 June 01 Life. It's like standing on a tall pillar in pitch blackness. The pillar is small, with room for no one but yourself. It is dark, and everywhere you look, you see nothing; you are completely alone. You know there must be others out there but you're not sure where, and even if you knew, you wouldn't be able to reach them. Periodically, the sun comes up and you see you're part of a bigger picture; you're another happy person frolicking in the meadow. The rays beam down and life is good for time. But eventually the sun is going to set and once again you'll be left stranded. Why do the nights seem so long and the days so short? 23 June 01 Hrm, I'm in an odd mood. It's Saturday night, and I'm home right now, trying to figure out my plans for the evening, and also try to keep my life on the right track. As far as the immediate future, well, I could go to a particular goth/industrial club tonight - several of my friends will be there. It would be good to see them, and would probably have a fun time. There is also an underground psy-trance party happening. I could go there with my friend Greg and probably see other friends there as well. I know I'd love the music, and I'm sure I'd dance for hours. But, when it all comes down to it, I'm not sure that I'm feeling social enough to go out. I've been so busy the past two or three weeks, and tonight is the first time I've had to myself in quite awhile. Things have gone back & forth with me over the past few months. When I got home from Europe, I really just wanted to spend time by myself, and I was comfortable doing just that. Then I gradually got busier and busier, spending time with friends and going out on dates. All of a sudden I found myself back where I was prior to my Europe trip - engulfed in a whirlwind of busyness, but at the same time, feeling scattered because my energies aren't necessarily directed at the right things. Dating and relationships confuse me and distract me. It's not that I don't want to be in a relationship - on the contrary, I'd *love* to be in a great relationship - it's just that I think I put too much effort into things when I know they don't have a future. I need to learn how to get into good situations. I know what I want, now I just need to get it. 14 June 01 I am sitting here meowing at my cat, and she is meowing back. She's quite talkative and we often have conversations like this. I'm not sure what we're talking about, but Kisa seems to enjoy it. I picked the right cat for me, and Kisa picked a good owner. We're happy with one another, and that is good. Geeze, weeks since I've written. "Oosp", as they say. A couple weeks ago we were having some particularly hot weather, about 100 degrees in downtown SF. I was on IRC (as I am wont to be) and we were talking about vr00ms (otherwise known as motorcycles). All of a sudden I knew I needed to be out riding in the wonderful weather, so I grabbed my helmet and jacket and left the office. Jumped on my bike and got on the freeway and knew I needed to go to the beach. So I drove to Ocean Beach, parked, and took a walk along the beach, smiling at the few people who were lucky enough to be able to spend their afternoon there. Saw a sand dollar and brought it back to the office to taunt my boss, Paul. "See this sand dollar? I just brought it back from THE BEACH! I just went to THE BEACH!" That little spontaneous trip was the highlight of my week. Had a really good night last Friday, hanging out with Ross & Jan. More friends whom I like, yay! Jan took me shooting the previous weekend and I got to shoot his 9mm and his .45. Realized I'm not such a bad shot! This week I'm working with the third and final class towards my Divemaster certification! I'm almost done, woo! Sunday we go to Monterey, and after that, I think I just need to complete the insurance liability paperwork and that's it. I'm almost there! I'm generally happy right now. A little bit excited about stuff. Trying to do things right. Working towards goals. Oh, and Burning Man plans need to be made! 28 May 01 Ouch. I've had a bit of a neckache all weekend, and it got even worse as I was sleeping last night. The first thing I did when I got up this morning was take three ibuprofen to try and ease the pain. I don't know why it hurts; I didn't do anything to it. Today is the Memorial Day holiday. I've had a busy weekend, so to me this is a super-bonus holiday - I get to have a couple full days of running around, and still end up with an entire day to relax and do things around the house. My goals for today - to color my hair and to work on my website. I just got out of bed a half-hour ago and I'm still waking up. Between that and the pain, I'm not feeling too introspective right now. I'm gonna go make some breakfast instead. 20 May 01 Bah. It's a Sunday night and I'm not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. I've been doing stuff on the computer for the last several days straight and I need a break. Gonna go watch TV for awhile before heading off to bed. Oh! I've *finally* finshed my travel journal from my most recent trip! Go take a look! 18 May 01 I am in a good mood. I'm home from work today and was just thinking that I have the entire day ahead of me, and was extremely happy about that. I'm just going to be sitting here at home working on personal projects so it's not like I'm going to be doing something spectacular, but that's fine. A couple of months ago I would have tried to "waste" time until my friends got off work and were able to get together with me later on in the day. But lately, since spending time in Cambridge last March, I've been so at peace with myself and my circumstances, and I have enjoyed all the time I've had alone, and all the time I've been able to put into projects of my own, no matter how small or insignificant. Susan came home from England yesterday, and we visited for a bit - we did "girl talk" and caught up on the previous few weeks. She told me that I seemed "different"; that something inside me had changed. I thought that was the ultimate complement because I feel that I *am* different than I was just a couple of months ago. Others can see it. How cool! I am in a really good place in my life right now. 13 May 01 I have a kitty! Yesterday, after years of thinking about it, I went down to the SPCA and adopted a cat! Her name is Kisa, she's a dark tortoiseshell color, nine lbs., and ten years old. She is friendly and affectionate, but a little nervous right now as she adjusts to her new home. This is the first time in four years that I have had a pet, and the first time in 6.5 years that that pet has lived with me. (When I moved to San Francisco in 1994 I wasn't able to keep Kalita, my Siberian Husky, in my flat, so she went to live with my parents.) I got Kalita when she was about six weeks old, and she was the cutest puppy ever. Black and white with sky blue eyes, she looked very wolf-life, but had the sweetest, friendliest personality. Kalita developed a cancerous tumor in her head, and had to be put to sleep in July 1997, two weeks before her 13th birthday. When the time came, I brought her in to the vet's office where they inserted an I.V. tube into her leg, and simply gave her an overdose of anesthetic. As she became drowsy, she first sat, then laid down with her head in my lap. After about 10 or 15 minutes she fell asleep; after about a half hour her heart ceased to beat. I continued to hold her and pet her, crying the entire time. But I was so glad that I was able to be with her until the end, that she died in my arms, before the pain of the cancer became too great. For the longest time I didn't get another pet partially because of the committment involved, but also because I didn't want to go through the pain of losing another friend. Now I have Kisa, and all I can hope for is that she lives a long and happy life. 10 May 01 Shelly! Last weekend I got to see Shelly for the first time in 1.5 years, and it was wonderful. Not only is she one of my very best friends, she is the reason I got to know Susan, another of my very best friends. I met Shelly through Ed, oh, probably about 1993. I still remember the first night I started really talking to her and getting to know her - it was summer/fall of '93 and we were sitting near the fireplace at House of Usher in Berkeley. She's someone who really knows herself and isn't afraid to push further and look for more answers (or more questions), and at the same time is warm and free of pretense. I admire her and love her. In fall of '97 she left San Francisco and moved to Portland, and although I'm sad she's not closer to me, I know this was something she had to do, and I support her decision. Physical distance won't end our friendship, and I'm hoping it continues a long, long time. On a different note, I'm in the proveribial amusement park. I almost got on a roller coaster, but no sooner than I sat in the car did I get up and exit the ride, only to find myself in another line. I'm trying to see if this coaster looks safe, or if it will hurtle me off a precipice - I don't want to board without knowing. 3 May 01 My dad's birthday party was this past weekend. It was a good party, my father really enjoyed himself, and I got to see a lot of my family. I realize that I never mention my family here, for whatever reason. Let me change that. My mom is from Ottawa and has 11 brothers & sisters. I don't know too much about my mom's parents other than they died when she was about 10. My dad was born in San Francisco; his father was from Sicily, his mother was born and raised on a farm in Sonoma county, and he had one sibling, my uncle, whose family remains in the San Jose area. I like my mom & dad and see them on a fairly regular basis, but I have issues with my brother and keep insisting to my parents that I'm an only child. Three of my four grandparents died before I was born, and my paternal grandmother, whom I loved dearly, passed away in 1995. I have a number of relatives in the greater Bay Area, but I only see them once every year or two. I also have a lot of relatives in Canada, but not only do I see them much less frequently, I don't even know all of them. My parents adopted me at the age of two months, and I've known I was adopted as long as I can remember. I've only recently begun to realize that this may have had some serious negative impact on me, but I'm not ready to go into that right now. But because of my adoption, I feel like I don't have a strong connection to my "ancestors". I normally never think about my biological parents as I know nothing about them, and I do not want to attempt to seek them out. I consider the people who raised me to be my parents and I consider their parents to be my grandparents, etc. But it's odd - while I enjoy looking at old pictures of my family and hearing old stories, I just do not feel the urge to seek out a family tree; I feel no connection with the people in the distant past because they're not *really* my ancestors. I think the reason I like the pictures and stories is because I'm learning more about the people I *know*, and these people mean something to me for this reason. But I just don't think I could get all excited if someone told me our family tree was traced back to Joe Schmoe in 1693 because, well, I share no genes with him. Recently I've tried to explain my point of view to Susan, who coincidentally just wrote a journal entry on this very topic. While I understand that she really enjoys digging up ancestoral history and details, it's something I cannot relate to because I've grown up always knowing I was not part of my family. I don't know that adopted and non-adopted people can communicate on this level, since there's something so seminal that is so different. It's probably like black people and white people attempting to discuss how it was growing up as a member of their particular race. 23 April 01 Mmm, sense of accomplishment. It feels good when you've gotten things done, and I've been able to do just that these last couple of days. This past weekend I went to Monterey with another scuba class, and thus assisted with the second of three classes I need in order to obtain my divemaster certification. It's getting closer :) And Saturday night, instead of sitting in my motel room and reading as I am wont to do, I got off my butt and went out on a night dive with a couple of other people. Didn't see anything cool, but hey, I had fun. Back on my entry of March 28, I mentioned about not knowing what my "dream" is in life. I have been doing a lot of thinking along these lines, and one tangent includes trying to set specific goals for myself, both large and small. Instead of thinking to myself, "One of these days I need to do such-and-such", I am making a concerted effort to *accomplish* things every day. These things may be small, like doing the dishes or cooking a healthy meal, but I'm at the beginning stages of setting larger goals for myself as well. I'm trying to become more focused, less scattered, and not fritter away too much of my life. 16 April 01 Today is income-tax-deadline day. I just sent my returns off this afternoon. I've never waited until the deadline date before, but then again, I've never had to pay this much before. (Damn state taxes!) Although my net total between federal & state is a refund, so that's good; I just have to wait awhile to receive the money. I recently realised something was bothering me and making me grumpy. I also realised that when I begin feeling like that, I look around for ways that I can regain control of all or part of the situation. In this case, I found that there was one tiny bit of the something that I could change. So I changed it, and it made me feel a little better...and a little less like things were happening against my will. One thing I need to do is to stop getting myself into situations where I know i will end up scrambling for control. True, no one can predict the future, but when you go into something thinking, "Eh, it's not meant to be, but I'll go along for the ride", you shouldn't be surprised when the ride comes to a crashing halt. Granted, my current situation really isn't bad at all, but I'm trying to learn a lesson from it, in case the next ride I think about hopping on is a big ol' loop-de-loop roller coaster. 10 April 01 I've been home from my vacation for just over a week, and already it's a fading memory. I'm trying to finish writing up my travel journal before I forget what I saw and what I was doing. My birthday was last week; on Friday night, Jen and cohorts threw me a party! It was the first birthday party anyone has thrown for me in my adult life, yay! I have some wonderful friends. Something has happened to me during this past week or two. I feel like many of the fears and worries I had were suddenly replaced with an internal calmness. Like all of a sudden, these things that had bothered me were no longer there, and in their place was this, "Fuck it, it doesn't matter" attitude. Not an attitude of uncaring, but rather, an attitude of no longer allowing these things to adversely affect my life. For instance, I used to get very depressed about spending Saturday afternoons alone if I was not dating anyone. That was always the one time of the week where my being alone hit me the hardest, and it turned into being lonely. But that's gone now. I am really very happy to have my Saturday afternoons alone. In fact, I am very happy to have as much time alone as I can get. I'm a little surprised by how much time I've been wanting to spend alone lately. Normally I am someone who always loves to go out, spend time with friends, travel, socialize, etc. But right now I think I could spend a month without leaving the house and not think twice about it. Maybe this is directly related to the previous paragraph; maybe I no longer need to try and escape things in my life so I am comfortable where I am, by myself. Ahhhh. | |||
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