online JOURNAL

27 September 01
I'm wondering if I should continue this journal. I like having it, but I don't put enough time and effort into writing as I should. I have a lot of things I want to write about, and I've found that I'm only just touching on subjects, and not going as in-depth as I should. Along those lines, I find I'm generally getting a bit more scattered, in a not-putting-enough-attention-towards-anything kind of way. I'm going through some sort of being-lazy-and-trying-to-spend-a-lot-of-time-at-home phase as well. I know it's ultimately not good for me, but for now, for the time being, I think I need it. Spending time at home gives me time to think about all the things in my head; I just need to do more of that and less futzing around online. I also need to redesign my website as this design is just about two years old.

26 September 01
Kisa is napping in front of the radiator as I sit here watching L.A. Confidential. She has taken to sitting there when it's on and warm. I think I was a cat in a previous life - I love falling asleep in the sun, I purr when I am petted but occasionally bite.

Back in '95, I decided I wanted to try a little exercise. I wanted to eliminate all non-essential things from my life. I wanted to see how little I really needed to survive; to strip myself down and see what I was made of. So I quit my job, moved out of my flat, put my stuff in storage, and moved ahead. It was good for me and I learned a lot about myself. And most importantly, I learned that sometimes you have to completely remove the box and start thinking again.

Over the past couple of years, I've given a lot of thought to relationships. I've made some changes to the things I've wanted, I've analyzed and agonized, I've at times just plain ol' ignored it. But everything I was doing or thinking about was directed towards one goal - finding "true love" or some facsimile thereof.

Now I'm trying to think about things from different perspectives. I'm not a 'normal' person with a 'normal' life. I'm not the sort of person you're going to find driving a minivan full of spawn to the church picnic. All my life I've done things a little differently than the majority of others, so maybe this part of my life is destined to be different as well. Maybe, instead of relying on one person to carry me through the rest of my life, maybe I'm meant to be part of a large network of friends, where we create our own extended family. I'm not talking about a hippy commune or anything, but rather, a more intense version of what I have now - a group of close friends whom I really love.

24 September 01
Hi. How're you doing? I'm doing pretty good - been keeping busy and spending time with friends. In the past week and a half, I went hiking with Thomas, drinking with Lamont, horseback riding with Susan, diving with Barry, and had a girl's night at Meg's place with Winnie, Kristen, Heather and Jenny. I've gotten hooked on Invader Zim. Oh! And I had my hair done in braided extensions!

I'm doing okay, but the world is still in shambles. Every tv station and newspaper is spewing forth their opinions on what "needs" to be done in retaliation for the World Trade Center attacks, passengers are no longer allowing to carry *nail clippers* on flights, tv stations are supposedly not broadcasting programs that show hijackings or bombings. You know what's happened to us? We've put ourselves into a hypersensitive state, where we want to protect people from "offensive" material but at the same time, want to blow others off the face of the earth. I don't understand people.

I am vascillating between being very active and very lethargic; between being quite social and spending time alone. I have been giving a lot of thought to what I want from relationships, both now and longer-term, as well as nuturing current friendships. I'm thinking it may be time for me to branch out and meet more new people. I like meeting good, nice, interesting people.

15 September 01
I woke up this past Tuesday morning and looked out the window. It was a bright, sunny day which is actually a bit of a rarity in San Francisco, so it made me happy. I went to work and hopped on IRC intending to comment about what a beautiful morning it was, but as soon as I got on I was met by a discussion about some sort of attack. Two planes crashed into buildings, what? So I turned on CNN to get more information, and found out what happened.

For the next couple of hours I continued to watch the news and talk to friends on IRC. We shared info from different sources and discussed the events. It took awhile for me to completely grasp the far-reaching effects these attacks were having. Once it all started to sink in, I felt weird being at work. It felt wrong to go about my trivial day-to-day business when the rest of the country (world?) was in shock as 5000 people were killed. Someone mentioned the local blood banks were asking for donors, so I left work, grabbed Susan, and we both went and waited for a couple of hours with one- or two-hundred people and gave blood. It wasn't much, but it was all I could do at the time.

Now a few days have passed since The Tragedy has happened (what will September 11th eventually be known as? I'm sure someone will give it a name) and it's as bad as ever. Bodies are just beginning to be uncovered, airlines are declaring bankruptcy, everyone knows someone who has lost a friend. The events of this past week are such a contrast to the friendly, giving spirit which is Burning Man - or are they? So many people are donating blood, money, time, effort to helping others, and it made me think. I thought back to the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake. At that time, I was living on the peninsula and watched the television coverage of the Marina fires and the Cypress freeway collapse. I remembered wishing I lived closer so I could go do something. This week, watching the news, I realized a part of me still wanted to be involved with that; I wanted to be one of the rescuers pulling people out of the rubble and performing first aid. So all of this whirled around in my head and now I'm trying to join the Red Cross' disaster relief team.

As sad and awful as these attacks are, what worries me more is how this country will respond. Right now, there is talk of going to war. War against whom? We're not even positive who was behind these attacks, besides the actual highjackers who are already dead. Do we wage an entire war against one suspect? Against the country where we believe this suspect is currently residing? Are we, in return, now supposed to kill thousands of Afghani civilians because, "They messed with America, dammit!"?

Everywhere I turn there is talk of patriotism and "God Bless America". I do agree that the country has been brought closer because of this, but I can't say I am feeling at all patriotic because of it. In fact, I think I feel less inclined to flaunt patriotic leanings (not that I have any) because that just serves to foster "us" vs. "them", and isn't that how this whole thing started? Am I the only one who saw this not as "an attack on America", but as "an attack on people"? Am I the only one who thinks that the perpetrators should be punished, but war should be avoided? The U.S. is always killing people in other countries, now many have been killed on our own soil. It feels like a lethal game of tag. Now we're "it" and our chimp-president feels it's his turn to kill again. It's got to stop somewhere.

*sigh*

9 September 01
Needless to say, most of my introspection this past week has centered around BMan for obvious reasons. I did things differently this year, and it worked out so well. Burning Man means a lot to me; my first trip during '99 was one of a few events that summer that helped to change my life.

In 1999, I didn't know what to expect, so I went and was blown away by the dichotomy of creating a big, bright, loud, and over-the-top city in the middle of a desert where there is normally *nothing*. Just cracked, dry clay with nary a lifeform in sight. I was so amazed that such an open-minded, creative, happy, friendly bunch of people could survive so happily here, and I so so glad to (finally) be a part of it all.

In 2000, I went back thinking I knew what it was about. I went there with a camp of friends including someone I was kind of dating. My experience that year was that I focused most of my energies on that person, and not enough on either myself or on the event. I didn't get much out of BMan that year, and what's even worse is that I was having such a mediocre time, I really wanted to leave and go home.

2001 was by far my best experience ever at Burning Man, and also one of the best experiences of my life. I went to the desert intending to immerse myself in the spirit of it all - basically to enjoy myself, to not get involved in drama, and to not focus on any one person. I had no reason to not "let loose" every night and I think that only served to cause me to have more fun and also to give me different perspectives to think about myself and my life and the different ways I can be happy.

It will take me a little longer to make sense out of everything I have thought about, and to fully realize how this year's Burning Man has affected and changed my life, but I think it has. Friendships mean a lot to me and I feel that I have established and strengthened friendships with people who have very strong, positive energies. I am trying to incorporate the BMan spirit into my everyday life by doing different things, taking the alternate (rather than the known) path, letting loose a bit more, not being overly analytical but just accepting things for what they are, opening up more, giving more.

3 September 01
Okay, I'm back. But not decompressed, as that will take a while. And my head is all dizzy and woozy from sleep deprivation.

I had a completely and totally wonderful, fabulous week. I don't think I could have done anything better. I arrived at camp on Monday evening, about an hour before sundown. I set up my own space with my tent & astroturf front yard, using the rental van and a tarp as a shade structure. (Note to self: regular tarps make too much noise in the wind. Next year, use a different, quieter material.) I went up there expecting only to have fun, but also with the possible intention of just letting loose to see what happens, and as it turned out, I did just that.

Starting the moment I arrived, I completely immersed myself in the Burning Man experience. Within 12 hours of my arrival, I had I completely assimilated into living the desert life. I revelled in the 100+ degree heat during the day (it was so dry, it seemed as though it was only 90). I became dusty and dirty and loved it. I wanted to see how "minimal" I could be; how many comforts I could do without; how little i could survive on and still enjoy myself. Turns out I don't need much! My ice ran out on Tuesday and I spent the next days without refrigerated anything. I ate chili & raviolis cold straight out of the can. My bathing was done with baby wipes and a bit of soap & water in a basin. I went with the flow, I didn't worry about anything, and I didn't get anywhere near any sort of drama. I was unsober every single night, and by doing so I had new experiences, I had fun, I saw things through different perspectives, and it helped to blur the lines between Burning Man and reality - and I hope when those lines re-establish themselves I will be able to bring more of the BM spirit into my real life so that in the future there is less distinction between the two. I met some new friends, I strengthened some existing relationships, and I also spent time with old friends. I have some new (to me) ideas to think about incorporating into my life. I saw things which touched me, which made me laugh, which made me realize just how absurd, wonderful and perfect it is to build a incredibly insane and crazy city in the middle of where there is normally utter desolation!

Best of all, I *participated* and I made people feel good. I gave Pop-Tarts to random passers-by. I hung out at Bianca's and passed out hot grilled cheese sandwiches to tired dancers at sunrise, watching the huge smiles on their faces as they ate. I gave necklaces to dozens of people "just because" and didn't ask for anything in return. I hugged strangers because we felt like it. I and hundreds or thousands of others wrote tributes on the walls of an ornate mausoleum, and watched as it later burned in the most beautiful, firey, touching display of memories I had ever seen.

I am a citizen of a town called Black Rock City which exists only in a particular time as much as it exists only in a particular location.

26 August 01
*bounce *bounce* *bounce* It's time for Burning Man! Yay!

9 August 01
Monday and today I went horseback riding; Tuesday and Wednesday I had good, hard weight workouts at the gym. Now I think every part of my body that can get sore, is a little sore. Luckily my couch is nice and soft :)

Last weekend, I had a fabulous couple of days! Saturday, Dan and I drove to Monterey to go diving! It was his first time diving in cold water (he got certified on a recent trip to Bali) and I think he's hooked! We arrived at the dive site about 9:30, and the water was the calmest I had ever seen it - every few minutes a small wave or two would break on the beach, and we had 20-30' visbility - excellent conditions! Had two very nice dives and saw assorted crabs, cone shells, live sand dollars, a big jelly fish, and a harbor seal. That evening, Squiddley and I went to see Memento, which I enjoyed very much.

Sunday started off with a dimsum brunch with Winnie, Meg, and Moof. After an hour of stuffy ourselves with tasty tidbits, we all headed over to Union Square to walk around, do some shopping and eat ice cream. All in all, a nice afternoon spent getting to know friends a little better. And to top it off, Wendy came over once I got back home and we had a chance to visit and chat for awhile.

Now seems like a good time to go to bed and read. G'night.

1 August 01
Woo! Just got back from seeing Fear Factory for about the 9th time, and I'm still all sweaty! Winnie came along with me, and I think she enjoyed herself! Yay, I enjoy turning people on to music I like.

I last saw Fear Factory in January, but tonight's show was longer and better than the previous one. They played songs from all four of their albums, and I was squished right up in front, singing along to all of them! I just enjoy the show so much more when I'm right up in the thick of things, looking the band members in the eyes, and feeling the energy of the band and the people around me.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm all about energy; I'm drawn to people and to things that exude a particular kind of invigorating energy. I'm drawn to things which I feel give me this sort of energy. It's what makes life interesting and exciting. Just like when I go to a Fear Factory concert, I have to get right into the middle of it and experience it - such is life. I love to live life. I cannot sit back and watch it pass me by.

30 July 01
*sniff* I smell like horses. I like the smell of horses & barns. Susan and I are taking riding lessons at Golden Gate Park Stables, and it's a lot of fun. It's been too many years since I've ridden on a regular basis, so it's quite nice to be doing it again. And by taking lessons, I'm working on my posture and form, which has gotten a bit rusty lately. Today's equine-related discovery: if you scratch some horses on the side of their shoulder, they get a funny look on their face, akin to scratching a dog until his foot kicks!

Re: my previous entry. I feel like I had slipped into a bit of a depression for a while there. It came to a head a week ago, when Ms. Susan went shopping with me, and in trying on clothes I realized in horror that yes, I really had gained weight these past few months. I instantly decided to do something about that and started going to the gym that evening. I continued to workout throughout the week, and that in itself did wonders for making me feel better - partially because it feels good to exercise,a nd partially because I was again starting to take control of my situation, and not let it get the best of me.

Adding to my increasingly good mood was the fact that I had such a wonderful weekend! Friday night, Jan & I went to a party at a mutual friend's house. I thought I would only know one or two people there, but it turned out that I knew many, and several of those people were folks I hadn't seen in ages! Saturday afternoon was spent working out and with Susan, and that evening was the Houseness cocktail party! Rachel made so much good food and the house was filled with dozens of terrific people! I even remember the party!. Sunday was a lazy day, spent visiting with Peyton. We hadn't had a chance to spend much time together lately, so it was great to see him again.

And now, it's late, and off to bed I go.

21 July 01
It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, which means I'm sitting here thinking about life and my place on this planet. As individuals, do we really have a purpose? I don't know. Part of me thinks our purpose is defined by the people we surround ourselves with - they give us a reason to live. Another part of me thinks that we each need to carve out our own raison d'être; nobody's going to take care of us, so we have to watch out for ourselves, essentially.

Do you ever stop to think about the future? You're going to live, say, another 50 years. That's 2600 Saturday afternoons. Probably at least 10,000 more days of waking up and going in to work; 10,000 more days of coming home and wondering what's for dinner. Over 18,000 times where you will wake up in the morning and wonder what the hell are you doing with your life, anyway.

How does one make all of that time interesting and meaningful? How does one find a reason for their existence? How can I find out what is my purpose in life, and more importantly, discover that in time for me to do something about it?

Is this contemplation, or depression? Does it matter?

16 July 01
And things barely had a chance to get started before they ended.

Why do I try? Why do I even bother?

Why do other people even bother when they've apparently had issues with it the entire time?

I'm left feeling more numb than anything else. With a certain amount of "who the fuck cares?". And if anything, I'm angry at myself. Angry because I let myself get into a situation which was less than ideal, mostly because I thought This Time It Might Be Different. But they're all the same.

Part of my reason for keeping a journal is to try and make sense of my life. I things aren't going well, I can read back to see if I notice patterns developing; patterns which may be causing the problems I am having. And yes, I am definitely seeing patterns. Things which are telling me that right now I need to put my foot down and say, "Stop! That's enough!" I need to embark upon a different path lest I just continue spiralling downwards.

But for now, for the immediate future, I think I don't want to embark on any path regarding this whole matter. I just want to sit here, alone and by myself, and not let anyone mess me up. This is one of those times when I'm happy to have the friends I do, because they love me for who I am, and that's the most I could ever ask of someone.

13 July 01
Hrmm. A lot of thoughts going through my head, but not sure how to put them into writing. A lot of thoughts concerning different parts of my life, but not necessarily complete, intact concepts - more like bits and facets which don't translate well to this medium.

I'm mostly concentrating on keeping myself stable. Trying to carve out more personal time, where I can either relax at home with the kitty, or push myself forward in some fashion, by learning more and by accomplishing things. Accomplishment - my latest goal.

Burning Man is drawing ever near. I have solidified my plans, and will be camping with the lovely and attractive Goat Rodeo people. We had a "Goat work" day last weekend and got quite a bit done! I've also planned out my own personal camping/chill space, and am putting the pieces together as I go along. Only 44 days to go!

5 July 01
I'm a nihilist when it comes to relationships. The past few weeks I've been seeing someone, and as soon as I realize I am in some sort of relationship, I start wondering how soon it will be until it falls apart. Let's see what will happen this time? Will he dump me in favor of being alone, or will he dump me so that he can date someone "better"? Maybe he won't break up with me but instead, he'll just start cheating on me? Or maybe he'll wander down the passive-aggressive trail, where he simply doesn't pay me very much attention at all, thus driving me away, because he really doesn't want me around but doesn't bother to tell me that?

I'm in the beginning of a relationship and I should be kicking back and enjoying it while I can. Well, to be fair, I am doing some of that. But probably not enough. Am I being too critical of the whole process? I don't want to question too much, nor do I want to pay too little attention to it. It could be that somewhere inside I feel it's not the right relationship for me. The one thing I am sure of - I am afraid of entering into a relationship because I am afraid of getting hurt.

Because I don't want to get hurt, I start making up all these reasons why things won't work out for me, and that way, when everything goes kaput, I'll be expecting it and I will be prepared. That way, I stay in control because I *know* it's doomed and therefore everything is going according to plan! Aha! Now everyone knows my secret!

Actually, what everyone now knows is that I am fucked up about relationships. I've been hurt too many times and now have difficulty trusting and loving. I need reassurance and I need someone to show me that it's okay. Am I with the right person for that? I don't know yet. I'll try not to worry about it, and see where it takes us.