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25 December 01 After many years of doing so, I no longer feel like ranting against Christmas. I am not a religious person and therefore don't celebrate Christmas myself, and I don't like the way Christmas is handled in the US, with stores telling me to "Buy! Buy! Buy!". If I give someone a gift, I want it to mean something - not have it just be a meaningless trinket I picked up at the department store because I had to buy "something" for someone. I am also not happy about the default greeting being "Merry Christmas", as that seems to exclude non-christians. But I am learning how to avoid the annoying commercialism and I am trying to carve out what the holiday season means to me. I have just returned home after spending Christmas Eve and Day with my parents. Their neighborhood sits on a sort of plateau, with a large canyon wrapping around three sides. Miraculously, this canyon has so far escaped development, and is still home to deer, raccoon, and other such wildlife that are able to live in the shadow of civilization. As a kid, I used to play out there, in what seemed at the time to be such a vast expanse of wilderness, and my imagination ran wild with thoughts of having my own horse and galloping down the trails, befriending deer, mountain lion, and all the other critters. Earlier this afternoon, my dad and I took his dog for a walk down into the canyon, where I hadn't been for many a year. We hiked on a damp trail littered with leaves from the oak trees overhanging it; for for brief moments I again imagined I was on one of my childhood expeditions, never knowing what scary adventures might lurk around the next bend. And more than once I looked over at my father and was so happy to have him there with me, leading us on this walk; it was only four short years ago that he was ill and laid up in bed indefinitely, unable to move more than a few steps on his own. My parents are getting older and I realize that, and want to spend and enjoy time with them now, while I still can. They celebrate Christmas and I will respect that, and I will also use that as an opportunity to spend time with them and make us feel like a family. I have decided what the holiday season means to me. It's simple: it is a time to spend with the families of your choosing, and to remember those who cannot be there in person. 17 December 01 Follow-up on my past few entries- The hot & sour soup came out well. Will add extra vinegar in the future as I like it more sour. Also need to slice the tofu and pork into smaller strips to make it easier to eat. I have been a little more social, and even went out dancing at a cool party last Saturday. It felt good to get out of the house, see friends, and get back into the local trance scene. This was the first Bay Area underground party I had been to in several months. Am continuing to push forward with my creative and spiritual motivation. I have started to paint, and am quite excited about that. I've begun working on a new website design which I actually like and will probably finish (gasp!) in the near future. I've even been playing around with Tarot stuff, as I find it both amusing and interesting, and best of all, it offers an alternate way of looking within myself. Today's playing around has reaffirmed what I already knew - I need to get off my butt and begin to motivate myself. I need to go out there and *do* things, accomplish things! I've set goals for myself that I want to attain no later than my next birthday, in April:
15 December 01 Random thoughts: - So many people I know are having babies. It's weird; it's almost like an epidemic. Being one of those people who never wants to have a baby, I can't relate. - I need a new computer. My desktop machine lost one of its two small drives. This laptop doesn't cut it for graphics work. But I am unemployed and therefore have no disposable income. If for some reason you have a nice G4 or some cash you'd like to get rid of, please think of me. - I don't like Christmas, although I'll save that particular rant for another time. I'm doing a pretty good job of ignoring all things Xmas, although I do need to get presents for my parents. And maybe make presents for a few other people? - Need to continue with my motivated state of mind. I've been doing some creative things this week, which is good, but I need to do more. I think I shall start by going grocery shopping, and then making hot & sour soup. 11 December 01 My anti-social shroud has lifted, and I am back to my normal gregarious self. I felt it begin to leave the weekend before last, and now, after spending the past three days in the company of a host of wonderful people, I can again enjoy and look forward to sharing my life with those around me. Saturday afternoon I drove up to Mendocino county, and helped out the Koinonea crew, who were up there to throw their annual 2012 party. I hung out with J.D., Peyton, Le, and a host of others, all of whom are deep, spiritual, wonderful people. It felt very good to contribute by helping out with the party, and it felt even better to watch several hundred people enjoy themselves Saturday night. Hopefully I'll be able to continue to participate with future parties. I think the best part of the weekend wasn't the party itself, but the feeling I got afterwards - it was both refreshing and invigorating to be immersed in such intense positive energy. I felt like the weekend revitalized and motivated me, as well as giving me some ideas on what to do with myself in a spiritual, introspective sort of way. I don't quite know what I am searching for in life, but I am able to recognize that I'm on the right track, which I suppose is half the battle. On my drive home I did realize that I will need to pay attention and not lose the mental and physical motivation I received. I have to immediately begin to incorporate these new things into my life, lest I forget how important they are and procrastinate them away. What I need to do RIGHT NOW is write things down. Thoughts, feelings, stuff I need to do, stuff I want to do, stuff I want to think about. Next, I need to DO THESE THINGS. Lather, rinse, repeat. The more I can get done, the more I'll want to do. Here I go... 5 December 01 Gah. I am in a state of emotional turmoil. I don't know what to do. Some things are good right now, so good they're almost perfect. But other things have me scared. As always I'm scared of getting hurt, but what's worse this time is being scared of not being able to live up to the expectations I have set for myself, and thus hurting someone else - I feel like I have more responsibility in this situation than I ever had in any previous situation. Why is it so hard to give in to things that (I think) I would really like? What is holding me back and causing these fears? I need to do everything right and handle things well, I need to think things through and be sure I am making the correct decisions. I thought time might be the simple answer, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Time continues to pass, and I continue to wonder if I am on the correct path. I feel like all of the "problems" - all of the hesitation, confusion, whatever - resides only inside my head. I don't think it is anything "real", yet that only causes the problems to become harder to solve because then you are dealing with intangibles. My kingdom for an easily solvable dilemma. 30 November 01 Good things about being unemployed:
As it is, I now have a large amount of free time stretched out in front of me. It is finite because my new Sugar Daddy (the unemployment office) won't be paying me forever, and that means I have to enjoy it while I can and make the most of it. I guess right now I'm in a "honeymoon phase"; I'm reveling in having so much time to myself and not having to be somewhere every day, and I'm reacting to that by not doing anything, for the most part. I am spending a lot of time at home, usually by myself, watching movies, listening to music, reading, or chatting. I'm not going out very much, either. And when I do, it's to see friends and spend time with them. Because I have gone into hermit mode (which started before I got laid off), I have wondered if I'm in some sort of depression? I don't feel depressed - most of the time I'm pretty happy to be doing whatever it is that I do - but it's something that I've been thinking about nevertheless. I am void of motivation and I don't care. Or do I? There is a small nagging voice in the back of my head which is telling me that I can only go on like this for so long. Maybe I just need to "saturate" myself with laziness and then I'll be sick of it and want to *something*. Things will change a bit on Monday. I recently realized I have some paid-for-but-unused personal trainer sessions at the gym, so starting on Monday, I'm going back to the gym with a trainer to push me through a few workouts and hopefully get me on the right track. Let's see if that changes anything. 20 November 01 Wow, a bunch of disparate emotions going on. It's been an interesting weekend. And an interesting couple of weeks, actually. I've got some really great stuff happening in my life. I don't yet think I'm ready to divulge all the details, but, suffice to say, there are wonderful, incredible people out there in the world, and I am very happy to be connected to at least one in particular. I'm still coming to terms with a lot of the emotions I have, trying to do things right, and in general, just enjoying things. In other news, last Friday I was relieved of the burden of employment. No notice, just "pack your things and leave." (Speaking of which, I need to go back at some point and collect my box of things.) I've got mixed feeling about this - on one hand, I'm happy to have a lot of free time to do all of those things I never had time to before. On the other hand, when I eventually do decide to look for another job, I'm afraid it's going to be very difficult. But, in the meantime, I'm going to make the most of a bad situation and just enjoy not working for the next month or two. Right now, I'm making bagels from scratch. They should be done baking in a few minutes. 8 November 01 Owning a cat makes it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. You wake up and look over, and there's this little loving creature looking back at you. Do you just get up? No! You start petting and scratching them, they meow a bit, and you fall back asleep to the sound of purring. 7 November 01 Changes are inevitable. And people are so scared of it. I suppose if things are good, you don't want that "good" to change; that's understandable. But if nothing ever changed, well, that's both pretty sorry and pretty boring. Something has changed within me, and it's for the better. I don't know exactly what it is, but I can tell you what the end result has been - simply that I feel happy and content. But moreso than the way I would feel if I was just having a good day. Instead of my good mood being a skin over my inner self, I feel as though the happiness and contentment are radiating from within. This doesn't mean that everything is wonderful and I never have a bad day - they still occasionally happen - but when they do, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still okay inside. I don't know if it's cause or effect, but I've been meeting and getting to know some amazing people. The sort of people who I feel compelled to spend more time with them. Oh yeah! Thanks to the lovely folks on ICB who prompted me to listen to my old INXS albums ("The Swing" and "Shabooh Shoobah", which i love) for the first time in a bazillion years. "Watch the world argue, argue with itself. Who's gonna teach me peace and happiness?" 13 October 01 Overload. Too many social events, too many people, becoming anti-social in response. That's not something I say very often, as I love spending time with friends and making new friends. But the past few weeks (and the upcoming few as well) are filled with an overabundance of events and a lack of sufficient time to attend them all. Even though I'd love to do everything and see everybody, what I'm really interested in is spending time alone, at home, and I can't. I've actually been having to turn down invitations, either because I'm already booked, or because I am making a concerted effort to spend a night at home here and there. Spending more time by myself means I can work on some of the projects I have filed away in the back of my head. It means I'll have time to go to the gym on a regular basis. It means I'll have more time to cook, and more time to cook means eating more interesting and healthier foods. I love my friends, I really do. But I don't want to make them mad by going out and being grumpy because I'm anti-social. I must take care of myself and my own mental state. On a completely different note, yesterday I picked up my DiveCon certification paperwork. Now I am officially dual-certified as a NAUI Divemaster and an SSI Dive Control Specialist, w00t! This means I have crossed the line from scuba diving as a hobby to diving as a professional! Next step: obtain my liability insurance and then I can begin working - assisting instructors and leading dives. | |||
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